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Sometimes, as I watch young mothers struggle up steps lugging a stroller, or elderly women relegated to the end of the line waiting to board the bus--or when I feel yet another unheld door bang into my funny bone--it's hard not to sense that chivalry, if not quite dead, is on life support.

It's a perception that's not simply personal, since news reports regularly highlight men's decidedly unchivalrous behavior toward women, whether it's an athlete accused of pummeling his girlfriend, a university professor charged with beating his wife to death, or a seemingly endless stream of "everyday" assaults, rapes, and other outrages.

Sad as it is to say, I've observed that women--myself included--are more likely than men to help carry packages, surrender seats, and otherwise stop to assist other women. Maybe it's not that chivalry's dead; it's just taken up residence among the female gender.

Yet just when I think all is lost, along comes a man like 50-year-old Wesley Autrey to restore belief in behavior that is both chivalrous and heroic. Autrey, a New York City construction worker, was with his two young daughters on the subway platform when he saw a young man having a seizure and jumped onto the tracks to help.

Unable to get himself and the man out of the way of an oncoming train, Autrey placed his body over the stricken man's and wedged them both in the trough between the tracks as the train passed overhead. Other than a bit of grease on Autrey's cap, both men emerged unscathed.

The story of Autrey's actions captured and inspired the imagination of people around the world. New York mayor Michael Bloomberg presented him with the city's highest medal, and he was given a year's free passage on the subway. Seemingly embarrassed at being called a hero, the Navy veteran pointed out that the real heroes are serving in the military overseas. New Yorkers, Autrey said simply, just need to "show each other some love."

I decided to conduct a small, unscientific survey of my female friends to find out whether they're being shown some love in their own lives, and to explore their feelings about the state of chivalry in these United States.

Of the eight women around the country I spoke with, who ranged in age from 22 to 63, all but one said that they thought chivalry was alive and well. For these women, the everyday manifestations of chivalry included men holding and opening doors, walking on the outside of the street, and letting women go ahead in lines.

But for the most part, these were men the women knew. When pressed about random acts of chivalry from anonymous men that they'd experienced or witnessed in public spaces, my friends were not nearly so positive. "I don't know what chivalry is exactly, but what I think is dead is kindness toward others," a friend in her early 50s observed. "Demonstrations of kindness are scarce and are largely regarded as a loss of face or weakness of character."

Another friend, in her early 40s, described what she perceives as "an incredible lack of chivalrous behavior," particularly on public transportation, which she regularly uses. When I thought about it, I couldn't recall the last time I had seen someone get out of a seat reserved for the elderly and handicapped and give it to someone who fit that description.

It seemed like a contradiction: How could the women I surveyed feel that the men in their lives behaved chivalrously toward them, and at the same time see or receive so little chivalry in public spaces, from men with whom they had no relationship? Is it chivalry if there's an inherent quid pro quo in the action and reaction?

Or, as one 34-year-old woman asked sadly, "Is chivalry only what's done in the presence of female significant others or women that a man wishes to impress?"

It seems to me that what made Wesley Autrey's act so amazing is that he didn't know the young man for whom he risked his life. Nor were his actions calculated to enhance his stature in the eyes of adults he knew. The only people with him were his daughters, ages 4 and 6.

Clearly, we need more chivalrous men who understand that such acts of kindness are their own reward. Yet even chivalrous behavior raised a small complaint from one of my survey participants. "I wish they'd stop calling me ma'am; it makes me feel old," a woman in her late 50s confided with a chuckle. "I want all the perks of being a ma'am--just not the name."

How about you? Are you lacking chivalry in your own life? Are women more chivalrous than men these days? Share your perspective in the comments section below.

On the Verge columnist Jill Nelson's latest book, Finding Martha's Vineyard: African Americans at Home on an Island (Doubleday; $27.50), is in stores now

Published on: 01/16/2007

The New York Times: "Why Our Hero Leapt Onto the Tracks..." (registration required)  
YouTube: Wesley Autrey on Late Show With David Letterman  






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