It’s easy to shake our heads or tsk, tsk, tsk or snicker over the recent news reports about Montana Fishburne, the 19-year-old daughter of actor Laurence Fishburne. Montana, in case you haven’t heard, is the star of a recently released X-rated video. And this wasn’t case of a hidden camera or a private tape sold by an ex.

Montana decided to make a porn video in order to launch her career. In interviews she has admitted she hoped to receive the same attention and career boost that was seemingly enjoyed by Kim Kardashian and other Hollywood starlets.

“I’ve watched how successful Kim Kardashian became, and I think a lot of it was due to the release of her sex tape,” Montana said in a statement through Vivid Entertainment, which is releasing her first porn film. “I’m hoping the same magic will work for me. I’m impatient about getting well-known and having more opportunities, and this seemed like a great way to get started on it.”

Not surprisingly, Laurence Fishburne is said to be furious with his daughter.

And who could blame him?

In fact, who doesn’t feel for the Fishburne family? We may watch the occasional porn film for kicks but have a daughter star in one? Yikes!

As this drama continues to unfold with one titilating revelation after another coming out, one can’t help but empathize with the Fishburne’s.

And before you say, ‘It could never happen to me; my daughter knows better,” remember this: that’s pretty much what the Fishburne’s and other parents thought, too.

Being the resident Mom blogger, it would be remiss not to acknowledge the back-to-school groove that most families in this country are now preparing for or have encountered this academic orientation week.  Most often, the overarching spirit that plagues most children as they leave one grade level and enter into the next is either anticipation or anxiety, or a mixture of both.  (Hm, sounds familiar?!)

From womb to tomb, the first day or last day of almost anything – kindergarten, high school, college, career, marriage, relocation, parenthood, divorce, unemployment, chemotherapy, you name it — tends to be a day of emotional reckoning. Whichever the case, my only hope is that one remains open and unwaveringly committed to co-creating the moment of newness with vigor. Welcome to the first day of being…. present.

It is a gift. Put your hand down. Be quiet. Open your eyes. Witness your own journey. The most sacred are seen rather than heard, shown rather than told. Water to wine. Who’s whining? Parents, are your projecting your kindergartener’s first day of school with age old one-liners and a box of tissue?  Remove the filter, that’s all you. Comfort, console and instill courage for them to also be…present. 

As I previously stated at the END of last year…..

Recognize that some embrace endings as a celebratory launching pad for newness, while others are paralyzed and fear new beginnings like a nomadic journey into the abyss.

Endings are inevitable — life is movement from one season or phase to the next.  Like the ending of a scrumptious meal, a beautiful sunset, a rigorous workout, to the ending of a captivating movie, stimulating book, or a joyful holiday– there is a sense of completion that seems to leave us elevated and inspired.  On the contrary– atrocious relationships, negative energy, fearful children, abusive adults, impoverished people, homelessness, hopelessness, terror, racism, sexism, and war —completion is complicated, multifaceted, welcoming and certainly long overdue.

As we end the calendar year and enter into a new decade, be INTENTIONAL.  Forget cliché resolutions and rituals. Now isn’t the time to focus on the external — fad diets, and the likes. Now is the time to go inward and be relentless in your ambitions, to be the odd and the difference. Little do you realize, your difference is your genius.  Start being the person you see beneath your mirror image, the part of you that dreams and know your purpose is high and highly regarded in the master plan of life.

 Demand that joy, peace, and happiness override any feelings of fear, meekness and stagnation. Center yourself in the middle of your dream and leave behind low, shallow, petty people, places and things. Separate yourself from things that suffocate your authentic self and become a magnate that draws, love, light and life.

 Give with a spirit of thanksgiving, raise awareness to issues that are life shattering. Be iconic in your own world, in your own life. Stop looking for outward  approval. Celebrate yourself, it’s the only thing you can really do without fail. Your life starts within and radiates from that cultivated place.  Simplify your thinking yet enlarge your mind– a single raindrop can ripple an ocean.  

 Write down your plan (Habakkuk 2:2 2Write the vision, and make it plain upon tables), speak it (Proverbs 18:21 21Death and life are in the power of the tongue) so you will live it. (Proverbs 29:18 18Where there is no vision, the people perish.)

Lisa Hopkins Newell

Confidence for women takes courage that’s for sure. It requires courage in order to go against the prevailing “common sense”. Common sense, says that confidence is based on externals such as the degree you hold, your job title, your gender, race, religion, family social status, etc, etc.

This may be “common knowledge”, yet it is foolishness. It is not wise. Wisdom overrides convention, and thus, the need for courage to be able to open your mind – and heart – to be able to consider it and receive. Sometimes I need to be the “loving lioness”.

When I was insecure and lived in fear, I came from a place of self-rejection, criticism of self and others and essentially lived hiding behind a mask of “confidence” and over achievement. It was a mask because it did not feel authentically me.

I was so afraid of being hurt that I decide to control (what an illusion) instead of being controlled. While this decision did help me at the stage of consciousness that I was at, and in the world in which I found myself, it ultimately created chaos in my life and was leading to forms of self-sabotage.  It became destructive.

Change is a good thing, in that sometimes things need to be destroyed before they are rebuilt. Yet, if you use wisdom, you can head some of this type of destructive energy off at the pass. Why wait until your life falls apart from illness, divorce or unpleasant relationship drama with children or friends? Why wait until you get kicked out of that job you hate or your business falls apart?

This is the way the “common” mindset works. It hangs on for dear life, clinging to the status quo, fearing change. If you want quantum leap change, and if you want core confidence, coming from your true, Authentic self, you will have to take the leap, by faith with courage, using PRINCIPLES that are ancient, and lasting, in order to live your true potential.

You will have to learn how to eliminate what I call, “cataracts of the soul” so that you can see more clearly the Light within, so that you can love and embrace yourself and others. You can then see their Light also instead of attracting fear and judgment. While you can’t stop others from judging you, when you know who you are and surround yourself in the protection of light and love, their judgment can then roll off of you like “water off a duck’s back”.

That is their problem; again stop trying to control the world. Self-love is the magic key to empowerment. Ladies, when we love ourselves, we stop looking for love in all the wrong places. We can have boundaries without extremes. We can take off the armor on the one hand, and on the other, we can get up off the floor and stop being a doormat.

Self-love is about taking care of your own needs and then giving from the overflow of love. Here’s a video, my gift to you, please pass it on. Self-sacrifice and martyrdom is no way to live and is not the intention of Divine Love. Love is an exceedingly abundant energy; there’s plenty for all. What’s love got to do with confidence? I say everything. What do you say?

Valencia Ray, MD
The Confidence Doc

Looks like he's enjoying himself image courtesy Steve Myrick.V Times

So there I was, swimming in the waters of a private beach, off the village of Edgartown, on the island of Martha’s Vineyard, courtesy of knowing someone with a key to this private beach. Stroking along in the cool ocean on a flawless, hot day, not a cloud in the sky, I life my head out of the water to breathe, open my eyes, and there he is, the President of the United States, Barack Obama, swimming along beside me. “Hey, President Obama!” I yell when I turn my face up for air again, but before he can respond a wave rolls over me, my mouth fills with not air but water, I begin coughing and then wake up. Need I say that Barack Obama is nowhere in sight?

Which was, for the most part, exactly where he was during his vacation on Martha’s Vineyard. In spite of hope, expectations, and the prayers of many on this small island that has become the summer destination for many successful African Americans, the President and his family spent most of their vacation in private. Sure, you could feel the energy in the air, a combination of pride, suspense, tension, anticipation and celebration, but most people here didn’t see a glimpse of the President and First Family.  Thwarting great expectations, neither the President or the First Lady strolled the streets of Oak Bluff, or swam at the beach known as The Inkwell, or ate at Deon’s, the only black-owned restaurant in town, or visited Cousen Rose Gallery or C’est la Vie, two shops owned by people of African descent.  They came, they vacationed, they left. Press reports have it they enjoyed, too.  As did the rest of us, Obama sighting or not.

Speaking of sighting, the retreat begins tonight!!!! Please check my web site!!! Even if you’re not here, you can join us virtually!!!!

Jill Nelson 8/31/10 – The blog with the musical notes!

Sometimes in life we get the boot. Fired from a job, a marriage, a friendship…a group or organization. From some groups, like the military, boot camp is a weeding out process. It’s done, not so much to look at who has failed, but to identify those who have what it takes to stick, to be the best and who despite moments of discomfort and tension never quit and never give up. There’s a thought that says if you quit once, you will quit again, so those who drop out and say they want out…well, there are no second chances.

Someone used to call me relentless…say I never stopped. When I dig into something I don’t walk away, which is why I am careful about what I take on. A job, a relationship, a friendship, a process…for me it’s a never say die kind of journey. Yesterday, my best friend was in a jam and well… I’m what you would call a first responder and I don’t quit, she counted on that. I have noticed that lately, more and more of my friends come to me and what used to seem like a burden, now is a pleasure and a manifestation of their faith in me. It’s about trust and leadership and knowing that I won’t get tired, I won’t quit on them. Ever. It has also meant a weeding out process, that I am glad is taking place naturally and not by my force or will. A good guy friend dropped the other day, I thought I would be sad, I was relieved. Left space for another, who is, as they say…yolked like me.

My first marriage was boot camp, a training ground. Yesterday, when someone I loved was in a serious situation, I was able to stay calm and help her lead herself through. My basic training with him, didn’t always make for the healthiest “marriage”, but sometimes we need to change or rather transform how we look at something that is no longer in our life. He taught me survival skills, literally, and football. Then he gave me the boot. I have been pretty mad about that. Until now. No Eat, Pray whatever for me.

Yesterday in addition to my best friend being in crisis, my beloved who is in Afghanistan, sent me a note that said “Help!”, want to know fear, get an email like that. I opened it, he was just worried about his fantasy football team. Again I thanked my former, I knew what to do. Instinct and training. Sometimes places in our lives are no more than training grounds, a camp to prepare for the next journey. I am seeing my next journey unfold before me and I’m thankful, as are two people I love that my boots weren’t made for walking, especially not over people. My boots stay firmly on the ground!

Can Baby Phat still be Baby Phat without the presence of its founder and chief spokesperson, Kimora Lee Simmons?

We’re about to find out.

Word came out last week that Baby Phat, which is now owned by Kellwood Company, has parted ways with Simmons, who founded the Baby Phat line while she was Mrs. Russell Simmons. Whether Simmons jumped ship on her own or was pushed out (reportedly as a cost cutting move), this is major news.

Baby Phat is one of the leading urban brands in the fashion world. The distinctive cat logo can be found on everything from jackets to handbags to sweat suits to watches. And a large part of that dominance was due to Miss Kimora.

Say what you want about the outsized personality and lifestyle, routinely on display via her television reality show, books and those ubiquitous billboards, people bought into the brand. And Kimora was a big reason why.

Of course, from a business perspective, this wasn’t a shocking move. The fashion landscape is littered with fashion brands that were taken over by corporations only to see their founders be jettisoned, sometimes with the corporation retaining the rights to the name even if the name of the company is the actual name of the designer.

Kimora Lee Simmons has enough irons in the fire that there will certainly be a second act we’ll all be following, and no doubt, purchasing.

The more interesting question may be what happens now to Baby Phat? Can a brand based on Fabulosity continue to flourish without the Queen of Fabulosity? Will anyone care as long as the product continues to hit the right notes with shoppers?

Stay tuned.

Over the past few weeks, I’ve been in purge mode.  Even my children have felt the joy in releasing and ridding of accumulated stuff.  My little one, well, just call her Niecy Nash Jr. As she stirred around our home, she repeated one word for all to hear: detach.  In other words, don’t get vacuumed into the ‘awww’ factor. My ten year old led our purification mission – from the mouth of babes God speaks.   

My cleanse initially started in the physical realm but quickly morphed into a mental, emotional, and spiritual purification journey.  Unlike my usual– abc, 123—structure, profound clarity is always hidden in the ebb and flow of being inwardly still.  I quieted the headstrong, ‘cup half full or half empty’ perspective, tossed the content and shattered the glass. Renewal isn’t about measurement, but clarity.

Renewal is personal and can only be analyzed from your own mind’s eye. However, it does includes acceptance, forgiveness, healing, listening and becoming whole with the holes—silence is a piercing gateway.  Spiritually, even Jesus encouraged us in his parable of putting new wine in old wine skins and telling us to ‘be renewed in the spirit of your mind’.   

As I’ve always told my girlies, pay attention to you. Stop looking outward for commentary on your divine design, you must know, love and approve yourself first. Give and recieve love and flush out the rest. (Yes, I have to remind myself of this often.)

How do you know if you’re moving in a rightly direction – there’s always confirmation.  You don’t have to seek it. It tends to just show up and usually confirms your internal compass.  Sometimes, it’ll blow you away.

Lisa Newell

Confidence and empowerment is something near and dear to my heart, as I know the pain of self-rejection and the hazard of constantly striving to over achieve. It’s not productivity that is the problem; the issue is the mindset in which the goals are set and undertaken.

If we as women buy into the faulty thinking that our worth is based on what we do, what we look like and whom we are trying to please today, we will never have peace of mind, empowerment and personal power or authentic confidence.

The driven behavior that is going on in our society today is not even healthy masculine behavior. Truly healthy masculine energy (not male, -masculine- there is a difference) allows us to move forward into life and get things done. It creates a sense of independence, provision and protection.

Even as women we need to have a balance of these qualities in order to speak up, have courage to go through fear and to keep people out of our space when we need to. These qualities are not limited to males/men. The driven quality that most people attribute to men that we see is really the wounded ego. In fact, men need to live in more balance and tap into the feminine qualities of the Queen also, truth be told. The need to relax, feel and enjoy life is a human need for health and well-being.

The ego, our sense of human identity has its place and I believe that if you did not have one, you would not be able to self-identify yourself. Yes, you can be aware that you have an ego, yet are NOT the ego. You can be aware of yourself as a spiritual being, yet living the human experience via your “role” or as you call yourself, yet not get lost in the ego. This only comes via awareness and spiritual maturity which is a process unique to everyone.

It is not a one size fit all cookie-cutter process. Anyway, the ego wounded pushes and drives us as it gets lost in “survival of the fittest”, judgment, competition, all based in fear. Ego gone wild is fear at its worse. So, in earlier decades of my life, my ego, (I too was lost in it at one time), in its need to survive and get, (notice I said “get” not “receive”) affirmation and what I perceived then as love was always striving to prove that I was “good enough”.

Yet, funny thing was I never truly felt good enough or that I had enough of anything, be it time, energy or money. This is no way to live and accounts for all of the stress, fear and chaos that is going on in the world today, not to mention war, disease and greed. As women, it’s time to see through this nonsense and stop the madness in ourselves first, and then perhaps we can do what Dalai Lama said in regard to “the western woman saving the world”.

If we don’t save ourselves first, the attempt to play rescuer again is a waste of time and as dysfunctional as ever. If we don’t develop confidence from our CORE, it’s just fake, cosmetic. Living into the Queen is about self-love, self-acceptance, and recognizing the POWER of love and feelings. Our feelings are just a guidance system to reveal to us what we truly perceive; not what we give lip service to.

As human, women and men, we have allowed ourselves to be conditioned like Pavlov’s dog to repress our feelings and run away. When we learn to make friends with them, we then are able to be truly empowered and physically healthier as well. As we face our fears and release this repressed pain-body of emotion that dwells within us at a cellular and energetic level, we can heal.  Once we heal our wounded ego, these “cataracts of the soul” can fall away and we can let our Light shine and see others and ourselves more clearly.

We can then stop the self-judgment via these illusions, and stop the projection unto others that cause us to judge and compare everything from looks, to where one is educated, lives, etc, etc. The wounded ego loves hierarchy. The Queen is about feeling, flowing, nuturing and then taking inspired action. She uses the masculine qualities as needed in an integrated way, and she also can let go and delegate, without needing to control everything.

Then there is FUN. Now that’s a novel thought. Until we live in more balance and start enjoying life and relationships again – women AND men – we are destined to continue to see rising depression rates, illness and divorce. I went for an early bike ride this morning listening to Black Eye Peas “I Gotta Feeling…. Thank goodness I can feel again.

When I was living in fear and repressing my “bad” feelings, I could not really feel much of anything, including “good” feelings – except when I exploded! Repressing feelings are outright dangerous to your health. When we learn how to release them in a healthy, energetic, quantum way, we can heal our minds, bodies and hearts and start to consciously move into higher levels of spirituality and growth.

I’m about living “thy will be done on earth, as it is in heaven”. Confident women are genuinely self-assured without needing to prove their worth to others. We just know we are “ok” just because we breathe! Life is about growth and unfolding, not “fixing” yourself. Let’s keep it practical, lets have fun AND get things done.

Here is a video of “I Gotta Feeling…performed for Oprah in 2009 in Chicago. Joyful feeling is so powerful and inspiring. Your health, wealth and life depend on it. What do you think about the idea of living as the Queen instead of being driven by the opinions of others and the ego?

Valencia Ray, MD
The Confidence Doc

Even the cooked up controversy over the Islamic Cultural Center planned for lower Manhattan – which, contrary to right wing, Islamophobic ranting isn’t “The Mosque at Ground Zero” (but so what if it was?) – can’t drown out the sound of rushing flood waters and cries for help from either the millions displaced by last week’s catastrophic flooding in Pakistan or those in the city of New Orleans still traumatized, homeless and refugees in their own country five years after the devastation wrought by Hurricane Katrina with help from the Army Corps of Engineers and the United States government. Still, driven by FOX News this non-issue  - and insult to the Constitution, hundreds of Muslims who died on 9/11, and millions of Muslims worldwide – is giving reality a run for it’s money. But what’s new in a country where the exploits of marginal talents like Lindsay Lohan, Lady GaGa, and  a brilliant actor’s wannabe porn star daughter dominate the national consciousness?

Thanks to Spike Lee’s latest HBO documentary, If God is Willing and Da Creek Don’t Rise, for revisiting New Orleans and not allowing us to forget not only what happened there five years ago, but to who, how, and why. Part I aired last night on HBO, Part II airs tonight, and both parts will be available at HBO on demand. If you don’t have HBO, invite yourself to the home of someone who does. Lee’s documentary is not to be missed. To ignore it is to collude in the collective amnesia that we Americans seem to love so much.

Ditto following coverage of the floods in our fragile ally, Pakistan, where at least several thousand have died and 14 million - say the total population of Manhattan, Brooklyn, The Bronx, Queens and Staten Island doubled - left homeless. Unimaginable? As someone in “Da Creek Don’t Rise” eloquently puts it talking about the devastation of Hurricane Katrina, look around you today and then imagine that your home and everything in it, including some of the people, are simply gone tomorrow.

Where is the Marshall Plan like the one used to rebuild post-war Europe, for New Orleans? For Pakistan? It doesn’t take a degree in political science or a career in the foreign service to figure out that the disaster in Pakistan could and should be an incredibly important moment in U.S. relations with Pakistan. We should be on the ground providing emergency water, food, shelter, clothing, medical care and temporary housing to the displaced millions. Then we need to stay there and spearhead the rebuilding and upgrading of that country’s infrastructure: roads, electricity, housing, hospitals, institutions, whatever that nation needs to create a functioning, civil society. Al Quaeda, the Taliban, and militants wouldn’t have a chance against a Unitedd States government committed to real rebuilding, as opposed to propping up tired leaders and the corrupt institutions they are aligned with and the threat of military intervention.

Billions for the banks, the auto industry, wars (and warloads and corrupt U.S. allies/government officials) in Afghanistan and Iraq – yes, the one that “ended” but in which people continue to die – but just can’t find the money or the will to rebuild New Orleans for all it’s people or win the hearts and minds of the people of Pakistan? Absurd. A great opportunity is being squandered. This is the moment to implement a U.S. government financed resurrection and rebuilding of New Orleans and Pakistan, a Marshall Plan for the 21st century. Instead, we’re allowing ourselves to be emotionally manipulated and distracted from what’s really important by rabid Republicans, Tea Partyers, and assorted idiots who’ve created a false controversy about plans for an empty building blocks from where the World Trade Center once stood.

If we can’t move past this as a nation, I’ll take the distractions of an addle brained Lindsay Lohan, the low on talent but high on manipulation Lady GaGa, and the machinations of a budding porn star, over an oblivious U.S. government. At least those gals know an opportunity when they see it.

Abbey Lincoln August 6, 1930 – August 14, 2010! Thanks for your talent, courage and integrity.  YOU ARE MISSED!

Finally, be sure to check out my web site next week and participate virtually in Making the Third Chapter Fabulous: Prose! Yoga! Passion! the retreat I’m hosting in Martha’s Vineyard. And stay tuned for information about 2011’s Retreat!

Jill Nelson 8/24/10 – The blog with the musical notes!

Everyone says they have had it, with the war “thing”…what I love ( is there a sarcasm font) about this country is the sheer decadence with which we can choose to turn a blind eye to the world. I have never thought of myself as having an us or them mentality but I am finding myself developing one. By us I mean those that live in a world bigger than personal situations, who don’t look at others and say you will never understand because you’re not me or you don’t know my brand of blues and by them I mean those who live in small, microscopic sized worlds and think the world is a dumping ground for their bad day. I was the latter this week so I am taking myself to task here…when the American petri dish fits!

Friday couldn’t have been a better day, I went to a film on my favorite artist and I was excited about being invited to a graduate seminar this fall and agreeing to go. I also made plans for the holidays which involve a study abroad and life as very busy. Busy is good when you got this war “thing” all up in your life. My phone rang and I missed the call, it turned out to be my sweetie calling from Afghanistan. The place where the war “thing” is happening, I think many people have heard of it at least. Basketball Wives isn’t filmed there. Well missing a call is about one of the most painful thing that can happen, aside from an extended deployment ( wait that was last month) and the sadness in his voice crushed me. I stormed into AT&T wanting to make sure nothing like this happens again and had this kid talk to me like I was stupid, tell me I have the worst phone for dropped calls, “everyone knows the Iphone sucks” he says in that what are dumb voice, and that there were worst things that could happen to me…like my partner could be dead than missing a call… but he’ll do me a favor and change my SIM card. Well I was shaking. I thought he should’ve been considerate, kind even…helpful and not condescending to the brink of rudeness. I thought he should’ve cared. I was living in my own small little world, where the customer gets respect, helping a war bride is honorable and selling products you are proud of and have faith in is the standard. Clearly I don’t get out much.

Who cares about my small world, where the person I love is trying to fix a mess made in the lives of people who have lived under tyranny for years and years, of the women who are mutilated and murdered? Oh and the thanks he gets is someone trying to kill him and some AT&T kid with fake diamond studs in his ear with hopes of being discovered by Vanilla Ice T being rude to his woman. My world is so small I think people care about 1500 year old monument that get destroyed on the other side of the world, or my dumb little problems of trying to get supplies to a girls school in a small village where there is no electricity or running water. I needed to wake up and decide which side I’m on. You thought you bought a phone that works…..haaaa. It does everything except its core function. duh!

It’s us vs. them out there alright and there are more of him than me so I’d better get clued in real quick. All this indulgent thinking of mine, that the world is about the war, or the economy or helping fellow man or customer service only serves to annoy those that are really in charge and who know there are more important issues like the MTV VMA’s on VH-1…and seeing who “tweeted”. The sooner I come into this world and out of my own small one I am assured things will work out just fine!