Happiness and peace of mind seems to be on many people’s minds. After all, happiness and peace of mind are two elements that make for a life well lived. The challenge though is being clear enough to stay focused on principles that allow us to avoid getting pulled into the trap of “common knowledge”.

Common knowledge is often simply hand-me-down opinions that have been accepted as “just the way life is”. There is not a way life is that is universally true. What determines how you see life is the filter that you see the facts around you through, known as perception.

Perception is the lens we interpret through and if your brain has been unwittingly wired, particularly at a young age, to see life as threatening, this viewpoint will color the way that you see the world.

I’ve come to call these filters that keep us from connecting with our Authentic Self, sense of power, wisdom and peace of mind as “cataracts of the soul”. We all have many gifts and talents that are unique and would make a positive difference in the world.

Yet, once we develop perceptions about the world around us, our brain and nervous system keep us focused on the people, places and circumstances to keep our established perceptual systems in place. This is often the reason why change is challenging and why we stay stuck. It is difficult to have happiness, health, wealth and great relationships when your filter says, age brings disease, money is hard to get and people cannot be trusted.

The answer is to re-educate yourself while at the same time learning systems and processes that allow you to release the old perceptual memory from your nervous system/body. You can then learn how to more easily rewire and retrain your brain.

A practical example of how this plays out in your life can be seen from an article I read today about an “Aha” moment that Jada Pinkett Smith had. In the article you will note that she says that she micromanaged everything because:

“I grew up in a neighborhood in Baltimore that was like a war zone, so I never learned to trust that there were people who could help me. I was also stuck in the idea that taking care of others was the way to create good relationships. As a result, I tried to micromanage my world”.

Notice her response is based in fear. The nervous system does not judge, so whatever you feel from an emotional and intellectual level will dictate the quality of experience you have. If your perception about a given set of circumstances feels threatening to you, you will automatically, like a robot, revert to your old habitual perceptual pattern.

I totally relate to what she says here as I too once had this challenge. I’ve come a very long way, yet it is an evolving process. What has helped me the most is to realize that my brain is creating these “cataracts of the soul” and with awareness, they can be eliminated. Yes, your True Self is powerful and amazing, yet the fact is, you will not express if your nervous system is wired to cover over and hold back the expression of this Essence, the Real You.

It takes awareness because 90% of what runs our life is unconscious. This is why I re-educate my clients on the new science of the brain and nervous system, as it helps the fear center in the brain to quiet down enough to open the door to new understanding. It is also very important to understand how to release these “blind spots” at a cellular level where they are held. They keep us from shining our light, and dull our life. They also keep us focused on fear and what is wrong with the world and cause us to miss opportunities to grow our businesses, relationships and maintain our good health.

Since I’ve learned how to do this, it has become much easier to flow with life and to expand the vision for my life. I am no longer looking through the cloudy lens of fear and childhood experiences that color my world darkly. This is why I called my coaching system, “Breakthrough to the Real You” as it shows people how to eliminate these self-limiting perceptions simply and also retrain our brains to support us to actually live our purpose and desired outcomes.

We can release the stories that keep us playing on a constricted stage of life and learn to choose our destiny instead of staying stuck and missing out on what could have been if we only could see life clear enough to avoid falling into the ditches of “common knowledge”. What are your thoughts?

Valencia Ray, MD

The Confidence Doc

Being a woman entrepreneur and professional myself has given me a genuine hands on perspective of what it means to succeed in business and yet stay at the top of my game with my professional skills.

In my case, I was a practicing eye surgeon who right out of fellowship training took a corporate job for a couple of years, just long enough to get my practice up and running. After over two decades of owning and operating my practice (I had also acquired my mentor’s large practice when he retired), I sold it to do what I am doing now.

I help women entrepreneurs and professionals eliminate the blind spots that limit their self-image and constrict their vision for business success and it should be noted that the two are definitely linked.

In fact, how we see ourselves also constricts our relationships, including our ability to network effectively, how we dress, the opportunities and risks we are willing to expose ourselves to and even impacts our overall health in a huge way. I just came across an article in the small business section of the Wall Street Journal dated Monday, May 17, 2010 on “What’s Holding Back Women Entrepreneurs?” and I would recommend it for sure. Here are two highlights that the author, Sharon G. Hadary, sited as being the answer to this question and I quote:

1. First, you have women’s own self-limiting views of themselves, their businesses and the opportunities available to them.

2. But equally problematic are the stereotypes, perceptions and expectations of business and government leaders.

Now here’s what I know from my own personal experience; number one is more powerful than number two. When you deal with number one, you are far better equipped to deal with negativity from others.

From my own life, I had many challenges from number two right down to being told to my face that I would not be able to get through college short of five years (well, I did it in three with honors), and that I would never be able to get into medical school as it was too competitive (my performance was stellar enough to have medical schools pursue me to apply).

Then when it came time to start my business, I was told by the “authorities” all of the horrible statistics about failure, blah, blah, blah. My conclusion?

While you had better prepare yourself, the most important element is how you see yourself as if you have the epidemic belief that you are “not good enough” or that you are unworthy, or that women can only do “so much”, you will hold yourself back out the gate. If you do have strong will power like I had in those days, you can push through but later you will feel like “a fraud” (this is so common) when you become successful and start to self-sabotage.

To summarize, I made a commitment years ago to start breaking through these self-limiting stories and I have come much closer and continue to unfold the “real me”. It is about using the powerful, practical information from neuroscience which addresses your human brain and nervous system and combining it with intuitive and spiritual aspects of yourself to breakthrough the fear that we as women are conditioned to believe about ourselves and our lives.

I have learned tools and processes that I use on myself and teach my clients that literally can cause a quantum shift in perception that allows for a new vision for business success, happier relationships and good health and to create these shifts fast – and they last as they come from the inside out.

With new eyes, you can see new opportunities and with a healthy self-image, you are able to act from your authentic self without the fear of the opinions of others or fear of failure. Developing your business alongside of letting go of those internal voices that hold you back goes a very long way toward lasting business success and living the life that is well lived, the one you know that you are really meant to live.

Have you noticed that having the marketing or business plan information and being able to take action and get results are two different things? Have you wondered what makes that difference?  What do you think?

Valencia Ray, MD

The Confidence Doc

Healthcare is on many people’s minds these days. Unfortunately it is a heavy weight on most people’s minds as they are focused on worry, or actually “dis-ease” care when it comes to their health.

This is a part of the very problem we are faced with – worry and focus on disease. Your brain does not like stress; in fact it is toxic to brain cells and a health hazard in general. I believe that the financial pressure from our existing system will likely be the last straw that breaks the camel’s back.

I don’t care how much money is pumped into the system, until the waste stops and people change their paradigm, their belief system about HOW they think – about themselves, their bodies and life in general – the system is going to fail ultimately.

What do I mean by “how we think”? We focus on fear and what we don’t want without realizing that this is not only damaging our brains, it’s creating the very havoc we see in our lives. The hormones and processes that are released in your body when your worry and stress (both based in fear) can not only kill off brain cells, it can damage your heart, your immune system, your digestive tract and your musculoskeletal system…among other things.

Now, instead of business as usual, which is to believe that if you could just pop a pill or make other people act the way you want them to behave, if you make the time to decide to change your mind – and I do mean change your brain and mind – you can begin to shift the gears that lead to destruction in your health.

Also, you can save yourself a lot of pain, suffering and money. The answer? Learn “brain hygiene”, in other words learn how to cleanse your brain/mind of the pollutants of negative thoughts/emotions which boils down to fear. Until we learn how to obtain and maintain peace within ourselves, we can forget about seeing it “out there”.

Peace of mind begins within; you will not be able to buy it or to obtain it by trying to “fix” others. What we judge harshly in others are only projections from our own perception, parts of our story of the “Mental Me” that we don’t want to deal with.

Mindfulness meditation has been shown quite scientifically to slow down the runaway train of the busy mind and the benefits range from improved physical health to happy relationships. And, by default, good physical health and great relationships almost always translates to improved financial health.

At the root of all three is spiritual health. When we learn to take our ego fears and release them and rewire our brains, we can get the “cataracts of the soul” out of the way so that our inner Light can shine. The power of Light and inner peace is a force that can change not only your world, but also the world. A healthy you will create a healthy world.  Any thoughts?

Valencia Ray, MD

The Confidence Doc

Empowerment is a frequent topic these days and I think it is reflective of where
we are in our evolutionary growth as humankind. It seems pretty obvious to me that people are looking for answers other than business as usual.

One thing for sure is that we cannot solve some of our current challenges by looking in our current memory toolbox of how to solve problems. The consciousness or “mindset” that that got us here will not be the same ways of thinking that help us to change the world.

I don’t equate change with “bad”. Why not just see things as evolving to the next level, especially when it comes to individual growth? Now here’s the dilemma – the Universe is still expanding and unfolding, yet, because of the way that we have as a whole conditioned our brain we tend to fear change.

We are still “unfolding” just as the Universe is. While there is more to us than meets the eye, meaning at our core we have a spiritual essence, a “True Self”, we still live and experience life as human beings living in a physical body.

Without this body, you cannot effect change or be alive as we generally think of it relating to being on the earth. So, while I’ve heard the saying “we are spiritual beings having a human experiences”, we need to learn how to skillfully live into both aspects of our natures.

We need to become aware of how to manage our human body’s sensory/perception system – the brain and mind. Otherwise you can be so “heavenly bound that you are no earthly good”. Enter Neuroscience.

What I love about the expanding field of science is that while it is not infallible by any means, and while there is often not black and white consensus to the outcome of research (why would there be considering scientists are human also the last time I checked), the information and insights gained in the past decade can go a very long way with helping humanity to consciously begin to switch gears from a fear-based/competitive paradigm of the world to a more love/good for all paradigm.

A new paradigm could come from a place of developing the talents of individuals to be contributed to the whole. People could thus become more self-actualized and self-sustaining while at the same time society can move away from lack focus and keeping the “next guy” down. What is good for individuals will be good for the whole and the planet if approached from a higher level of awareness.

You see, we are all making up the story of the human drama anyway, so we may as well give the chapter a happier ending than we have historically been doing in the past few thousand years. Given all the chaos both within us and in the outer environment, I think the new science as arrived in a nick of time. Why?

We have been so out of balance in the way we use our brains that we generally are stuck in the “logical” brain, and this side also tends toward fear and separation. It is time to learn how to change with conscious intent not only how we see ourselves but also how we see others since again, this is due to perception and the stories that we wire into our nervous system. Most people believe that “reality” is a solid “out there”. Einstein said decades ago:

“Reality is an illusion; albeit a very persistent one”

The more science I’ve learned and blended with my intuitive mind and ancient success principles, the more I have been able to dump my own self-limiting beliefs and cast off a sense of low self-image. This is critical if we want to experience world peace. Why?

It is because we cannot have compassion for others until we have it for ourselves. Until there is self-acceptance, just because we breathe and no other reason, we will continue to struggle with comparing ourselves with others, greed, envy and a host of other negative emotional experiences.

No one can tell me otherwise, as from my point of experience, it has only been since I’ve become aware of how I was negatively wiring my brain and nervous system with self-limiting, deprecating beliefs and stopped doing this that my quality of life has sky-rocketed. Since I’ve learned how to release these negative cellular memories my peace of mind has been on a trajectory upward.

I’m all for ending human suffering and I think that we will take a giant step in this direction when we learn how to embrace change and this can really only be done when we learn how to set ourselves free from the tyranny of the fear-based stories we unwittingly have wired into our own brain. Train your brain to win from the inside out. It is more than possible; it can simply become your new “reality” if you open your mind to change. What do you think?

Valencia Ray, MD
The Confidence Doc

Staying healthy and stress seems to be on a lot of people’s minds lately. I came across an article recently that referred to the new study done by Dr. Anil Sood and others in the Journal of Clinical Investigation, that demonstrates that when experiencing stress, mice and humans had acceleration in the growth of cancer cells, in this case, ovarian.

The bottom line – stress is hazardous to your health. Many people do not realize that the chronic feelings of “overwhelm” that they feel – you know, not enough hours in the day, long “to-do” lists and not enough rest and sleep – is really what stress is.

It is the feeling that you cannot control what is happening to you and it is also the fear that you are under threat of some kind, be it job loss and even feelings of insecurity. Yes, it has also been shown that low self-esteem can trigger this stress response in your body. So, is stress something that “you cannot help”?

Do you believe that if your environment where different that then and only then, you can overcome overwhelm? If you believe this, you are like most people. I used to buy into this one back in the 1990’s. It was then that I first experientially realized that stress starts within, it is an inside issue.

It is not the “facts” that cause stress. It is not the things that are happening around you as much as it is the “fiction”, the story about the meaning of the facts. It is about where you are putting your focus and whether or not you are taking care of your mind and body – from the inside out.

See, I thought then like most people, that if I could only change my circumstances that I would have more time and would be able to rest more and have more fun. So, in a nutshell, I was able to create a situation where I went from single-handedly running a large medical practice, managing employees and doing surgery, to arranging a situation where I only worked 8 hours a week with no other responsibility than to see patients in the office.

That’s right, I did not even do surgery or have the responsibility of practice management. This should have instantly alleviated my stress, right? Wrong, I still felt stress and I think I had ADHD in those days to add insult to injury. Through a series of events, I came to realize that the inner turmoil was from a combination of how I thought about myself along with my inner perception about the world and those around me.

Once I learned how to change this, and I will say that one powerful tool is mindfulness meditation, I “magically” found more time and felt more inner peace of mind than I had felt in decades. It is not the facts, what is going on around you; it is your interpretation, your story that creates stress.

Once I had a grip on my mind and feelings and was able to eliminate the misperceptions, I eventually went back into my private practice, purchased my mentors practice and had everything twice the size as before I left. The amazing thing was, I was happy, not stressed and had more time to take care of myself than ever before.

The facts were not only the same as before, there was even more to handle! What changed was my “fiction”, my story and how I saw the facts and what I thought about myself. When your perception changes, you see things that you did not see before and you take new actions. You also impact the actual physiology of your body.

Staying healthy begins with mindset and understanding how to eliminate the noise in your mind, the stuff that “you don’t know that you don’t know”. Stress can be mastered when you learn this new science of the brain and how to combine it with wisdom principles to be applied in a practical way in your everyday life. Staying healthy and empowering yourself begins from the inside out!

Valencia Ray, MD
The Confidence Doc

Staying healthy is the goal of most people. As I look at our healthcare system, it has never been as important as it is today to be proactive in staying healthy.

Between the expense healthcare and medication, the threat to your financial stability and the questionable “scientific” data that supports that taking a million, kazillion (I know this is not a valid term) drugs is acceptable, I’d say one had better do everything possible to maintain their health as naturally and as cost effectively as possible.

Did you know that there is a definite mind-body connection and that stress is related to the reason for 75-90% of all primary care visits to physicians? Actually, I could have told you this without any fancy statistics.

It just plain makes intuitive sense. When you are angry and upset, notice how your body feels. Notice how much more difficult it is to concentrate. Then notice how you feel when you are joyful and happy.

In fact, have your blood pressure checked as you blow a fuse. Have it checked when you are in a relaxed state. It is likely that it will be high with anger and normal to low when relaxed. A relaxed state is a healthy state. I want to pick on worry in this blog post today though, because it is so epidemic.

I had the clerk in my neighborhood grocery store yesterday, tell me in definite “I will not change my mind terms” that there were “no jobs” available for her son to obtain in all of the United States, and that he would have to leave the country to find a job in his field.

Unless he made horse and buggies or telegraph/typewriters, – you know, something we don’t even use anymore – I doubt that her statement is true.

Yet, she obviously looked worry and upset as I discerned her energy and noticed the contorted expression on her face. I’m going to give you 7 reasons why you don’t want to go there. Worry is essentially faith for what you DON’T want. Simple as that.

It hasn’t happened, the person is just imagining it to be happening or is expecting (faith) that it will happen. Why not expect the best? Or at least remain neutral. In a nutshell, people generally worry because we are conditioned to do so.

As a world, we have so trained our brain to live in fear and expecting the next disaster that our nervous system is always on alert to “fight, flight or freeze”. This is what the stress response is.

Yet, we are capable of undoing this “hypnosis” on ourselves and rewiring and retraining our brains to come from a more uplifting space. Our brain is meant to serve us and does not judge the data you, your consciousness and intellect, feeds it. You must filter the facts that you see and come up with your own interpretation that forms your perception.

So, here are 7 reasons why you want to give up worrying and convert to becoming more of an optimist instead of a worrywart. Worry is dangerous to your health. Worry triggers the stress response, and here are seven (there are many others) side effects of stress:

1. Weakened immune system
2. Cancer
3. Heart Disease
4. Hypertension
5. Loss of concentration
6. Alzheimer’s Disease/Other brain cell damage
7. Weight gain

I didn’t even mention anxiety and when this gets severe enough, even issues like depression can arise. I think you get the point here.

There are simple ways to learn how to operate your amazing supercomputer, the brain and mind, while also at the same time getting back in touch with who you really are at your core, your Authentic Self. This is the path to staying healthy and true empowerment. Empowering your health begins from inside out. Any comments?

Valencia Ray, MD

The Confidence Doc

Core confidence is the key to breaking the never-ending cycle of not being “good enough”. As you know “good enough” is relative so how could you ever make this determination as a way to being?

It is so connected to “doing” that you will always have something else to, well, do. Basing your confidence and self-esteem on what you accomplish, your job title or how much money you make is a bottomless pit – here today, gone tomorrow.

Do you want to continue to live like this? I think not. The way to peace of mind and true success and abundance is to get to the core of the matter. That’s why I speak about “core confidence” as the only type of authentic confidence to be uncovered.

Notice I said “uncovered”. This place of inner power is already there. It’s a place of inner knowing of courage that comes from the inside out. It takes courage to turn your attention away from seeking outside of yourself – including seeking love, security and self-esteem.

We are so conditioned from the time we are very young children to go after these human needs outside of ourselves and this will impact your level of achievement in every area of your life, including business, relationships and health. Why? Because mindset is at the root of all of the actions you take.

Perception forms your mindset and mindset forms your perception. It is a feedback loop. Until we understand that HOW you think is the foundation to what actions you take and what opportunities you can perceive to take advantage of, we cannot be effective or come from our highest potential.

It was not until I discovered how to root out the stories of not good enough, not enough, or not worthy that I could finally come from a place that gets more and more unshakable every year.

Here’s a key tip: YOU are not your thoughts. As shocking as that may be to some people, what you think is not the same as who you are. Brain science can demonstrate this beautifully and it’s time to shift your paradigm.

Here is another point. In the early years, I considered myself a “spiritual seeker”, yet at some point, in order to be effective on this earth I had to get the “aha” that spirit and the everyday living of life needs to be integrated or else you can get “so heavenly bound that you are no earthly good”.

For example, I know this may be controversial for some people but I do not subscribe to the belief that money is not spiritual. Money is an innocent bystander to the consciousness that controls it. And if having money or desire to achieve is “bad” and not spiritual, then why as a “seeker” to bother to get out of the bed in the morning and go to work to get more money?

Why have any dreams to express your gifts? The key is to separate your sense of self and power from what you do.

Having wealth and goals make life interesting and can help raise the quality of life for all when used from an authentic, empowered space. Have plenty of both, but just be wise enough to not allow it to “have you”. Simple as that.

When you attach your very identity to money or achievement you will start to lose your authentic self for the ego sense, Mental Me, sense of self. This ego identity lives in the space of fear and separation from others. You have to have a sense of “ego” or human identity to function in the world. Yet, you need to separate “fact from fiction” and update this storytelling ego area of your brain so that you can let go of self-limiting perceptions.

When we learn how to drop the fear, the “Fictitious Evidence Affecting Reality” and learn what it means in a practical way to shine from our authentic self, we can truly live as confident women. I don’t know about you, but I plan on experiencing love, joy, peace and prosperity in my business, relationships and health. It does not have to be either/or and life was not meant to be one drama after another.

No, the answer lies within. It comes from accepting who you are and cultivating your unique gifts and talents. The “cures” for our woes start with understanding the science behind how our brains and minds work and being lead by spirit/intuition, the inner wisdom of our Authentic Self.

This is the path of true power. The world does not give this type of confidence and self-esteem and the world cannot take it away. What do you think?

Valencia Ray, MD

The Confidence Doc

Self-esteem and self-image make a huge difference in the level of success you can have not only in your business, but it will affect relationships and even health. There have actually been studies that show that low self-esteem lowers your health, as for one thing, it impacts your susceptibility to stress and ineffective self-care.

If we try to go after love by taking care of everyone else but ourselves, we ultimately will not even be as effective in caring for those we love. We as women are also setting an example for our daughters. I have a 17 year-old daughter, and I have seen how the impact of media and peer pressure can cause wear and tear on the psych.

It has been my awareness of the importance of making it a point to develop self-esteem and keep a positive self-image that has spared my daughter all types of emotional drama that I see some of her peers going through. In fact my daughter is often mentoring her friends on getting through their challenges on self-esteem issues and on more than one occasion has told me how grateful she is for the information that I share with her.

We live in a community that has recognized that there is a problem with competition, materialism, and perfectionism. All three of these issues are directly related to an issue with low self-esteem and trying to hide feelings of insecurity. Often trying to find security, love and self-esteem creates that type of messy experience in not only teen-aged girls, but also throughout the lives of grown women.

I see these challenges in my peers all the time. So, what is a major source of this low self-esteem? It’s actually negative self-talk. That’s right, we have found the “enemy” and that enemy is the “Mental Me”. It is the voice in our head that is critical and always comparing and judging.

It is also the voice that may have come from external “mean girls” that we encountered early in life. I managed to avoid a lot of external mean girl voices, as I grew up in an environment that cultivated my aggressive side, so most girls did not mess with me. However, I was my worse critic.

My “Mental Me”, the story of who I thought I was, worked overtime. It was a mean girl voice from my childhood still haunting me, one that came from my perception of the rejection I felt from home, standards of those around me, or from comparing myself to others and playing small.

You see we store memories at the cellular level – this is scientific fact. It was really cruel, and ironically, the thing is, I was not particularly mean to other girls. You see at heart, I’m very sensitive about not overtly hurting others. Yes, I have clear boundaries and will say no when I want to, but bullying was never a weakness of mine.

Yet, I “bullied” myself often with “not good enough, not worthy or not pretty enough” all the time. Well, thank goodness for my determined spirit and the realization that the true essence of me, is not the same as what I “think” about me. I learned that I was not my thought and now neuroscience supports that fact that we can stop negative self-talk as we learn how to recognize these stories for what they are – FEAR; Fictitious Evidence Affecting Reality is my acronym for it.

We are able to release this cellular memory and I’m so grateful to know how to do this for myself and to be able to teach my clients how to do the same. Having weaknesses and making mistakes is a part of the human experience. Weakness is just a challenge for you to evolve and grow stronger through.

What you do is not the same as who you are. It’s time to stop beating ourselves up and just see life as a process of unfolding. I’m like a beautiful garden, growing my various flowers of gifts and talents. This is just a new way for many to start to view the process of growth and development instead of judging self and others by some self-defeating paradigm. This paradigm’s time has come to be evolved into extinction. “Survival of the fittest and lack” from a competitive, judging, lack conscious way, is outdated and is being replaced by “survival by adaptability” and abundance.

Nurturing your Self and getting clear about a strong, powerful self-image and self-esteem, can give you the peace of mind, and ultimately health, happy relationships and business success that is at the heart of a life well lived. What do you think?

Valencia Ray, MD

The Confidence Doc

Core confidence, coming from an inner place of authenticity by default will cultivate a healthy sense of self-esteem. Let’s get clear here: self-esteem as I define it is not narcissism and is essential to personal power and a secure self-image.

If you buy into the idea that putting yourself down is “humble” or that what others say about you defines who you are and determines your level of confidence, you cannot live an empowered life.

Haven’t you noticed how fickle people can be? They can love you one moment and vilify you the next. This is because what they think about you really isn’t about YOU. It’s about how they see life and how you fit into their paradigm of “reality”. Reality is relative and as Albert Einstein said:

“Reality is an illusion; albeit a very persistent one”

It’s an illusion because your view of the world seems real and “right” to you – because your nervous system serves to keep you feeling as safe and as “right” as possible. To the degree that you are aware that who the “real” you are, the essence, the “consciousness” that you are is not the same as what you think, you can run your life by conscious choice.

The minute we think that we are our thoughts or that what other people think about us is the “truth”, we are setting ourselves up for a life filled with fear, struggle and overwhelm. It is very difficult to feel confident and like yourself if you base it on what the media says about what is “beautiful” (seems to change with the weather) or if you are afraid to make a mistake and beat yourself up constantly.

How will you learn anything new of substance if you are fearful of falling down? Trial and error comes with the territory of growth. It’s just a matter of practice. Of course confidence grows with experience. Confidence does not mean you won’t have fear; it is just the ability to feel the fear and go ahead and do what you want to do anyway.

When you understand what fear is in the first place, it becomes easier to manage. When we reject ourselves and fill our minds with stories of shame and guilt, we essentially paralyze our lives and constrict our possibilities for expansion.

Shame is just the illusion that there is something wrong with you at an identity level and guilt is the story that what you did is judged as unforgivable. Well, welcome to planet earth. Everyone makes and will continue to make mistakes. We do have laws that penalize certain errors more heavily than others, but forgiveness and releasing self-rejection is the doorway that we have to pass through if we want to take back our power from the external world.

You, the essence of YOU, is not the same as what you did, do or will do. Those are experiences. Accepting where you are does not mean condoning it and staying there, it’s just that what you resist, persists. What you focus on expands.

If you look at yourself and others through the eyes of judgment, you block compassion and you block the powerful emotion of love. You slow down the ability to change. Love is a magnetic force, haven’t you noticed? When you don’t love and accept yourself, you make it very difficult to attract others who will love and support you also.

You will tend to attract relationships and situation to prove you “right” – you are not lovable. I broke through this FEAR – Fictitious Evidence Affecting Reality – and it has make all the difference between itty bitty personal growth and quantum leaps to peace of mind, joy and increasing expression of love manifesting all around me.

My self-esteem and confidence comes from the inside, from my core. So, more and more what others think and say about me with destructive intention (and you know what this is, it is not the same as feedback), bounces off like “water off a duck’s back”. This is true empowerment.

When you can increase this perception about life, you are less vulnerable to the fickle changes in other’s projection about the way that they see life. Your confidence and self-esteem can be healthy and intact for no reason; it’s just because you breathe.

Valencia Ray MD

The Confidence Doc

Empowerment seems to be a developing buzzword these days. I think people are starting to realize that there is more to life than stress and struggle and they want to do something about the status quo other than whine and complain about it.

I’m all for it as truth be told, talking about what is wrong all day long only makes things worse – or at least feel worse. This is because what you focus on expands and your words and language matter.

This is true also when you speak your words powerfully. When you speak in terms of what you want and imagine what you can do, be or have, you are just as likely to feel good and excited and achieve your goals as when you do the opposite. Think about it; when was the last time you saw someone who was chronically negative, do anything of significance that attracted abundance and happiness?

Those that walk around in a funk complaining about the sky falling down are not very likely to notice opportunities all around them or to take action to move toward success. They are too overcome by fear, their story about how bad life is.

Well, even the words “self-improvement”, though innocent I’m sure, are not the best way to focus your attention if you want to start making some upward bound quantum leaps in your life. Here’s why.

It’s the word “improvement”. It implies that there must be something “wrong” with you right now. I have an “aha” that has really shifted my perception. It is not “improvement” so much as it is “growth” or unfolding.

Why does a “weakness” have to be “bad”? It’s because we are geared to be critical and judgmental and look for the worse, to look for “flaws” in others and ourselves. I’m not advocating that we ignore our weak areas, no; I’m saying that wisdom dictates that we shift only our perception of how we interpret them.

For example, it’s springtime and I’m a gardener. When I plant new seedling, seeds or immature flowers, they can look frumpy or the seeds of course look nothing like the flower that it will ultimately bloom into. I don’t look at my immature plants and call them ugly, stupid or that “they ought to be ashamed of themselves”.

No, I send them love, nurture and water them, feed them and give them the ingredients to help them grow. As they grow, mature and blossom, they become more beautiful or at least they turn into what they are designed to become. Then why do we believe (we are a part of nature also) that putting ourselves down, comparing ourselves to others and criticizing life itself is going to nurture our growth?

Also, why can’t we start with the realization that we all are where we are based on our present mindset and that what we do is not the same as who we are? There is a distinction. Personal growth happens a WHOLE lot faster when we start with self-acceptance.

You are ok right now, just because you breathe! Isn’t it a lot easier to expand the vision for your life when you can believe in yourself and see the possibility that a better life is obtainable? As long as we beat ourselves up and feel “unworthy” we are likely to sabotage our business, relationships and even our health.

Just see yourself as a person who is unfolding and growing to the next level that is good for you. Changing your life and empowering yourself begins with gratitude for the good that you already have in your life. Focus on this and your good will expand. Fear and criticism will trip you up and slow you down.

Here are 3 tips:

1. Focus on what you want, not on what you don’t want. Take the opposite of what you don’t like and focus on that, if you have to, but at all costs, stop complaining.

2. Look for 3-5 things to be grateful for on purpose throughout your day. If you can do this 50 times, it would be even better.

3. Stop beating yourself up. This is not what humility is. Humility is realizing that you cannot micromanage the universe and that this Universe can help you if you stop acting like you know everything there is to know already.

Empowerment begins when we go within and stop letting the outer world take our attention off of the vision for our life. When we focus on the negativity, our vision becomes distorted and don’t be surprised if you end up in a ditch instead of living the phenomenal life that you could co-create – when you have clarity of vision for your life! What do you think?

Valencia Ray, MD

The Confidence Doc