Last night was a dynamic evening! It was a radiant night filled with nothing but love with family and friends who under gird my life. The beautiful celebratory evening was wrapped around my daughter’s spring dance recital.  What made it phenomenal was not only my thirteen year old pre-professional ballet performance, but the entire night – there was no glitches, no skipped steps, just perfection. That’s pretty huge in my motherhood world, there’s always ‘something’ that’s been left at home or last minute mishap that spirals us out…yikes.

 Of course, my friends and family have a paralleled super, crazy, hectic life schedules but my three life long girlfriends and my daughter’s godfather attended and made the night even that much more spectacular. With all of us going in a million directions, our time collided into a two hour episode of joy. Yes, I had my ‘Sex in the City’ girlfriend millisecond, it was our opening night.  

In the middle of chaos and craze… ignite a synergy that spreads the love you feel toward others and it will come right back to y-o-u.  A movie ticket will give you a temporary fix, it’s time to live what you love.

Enjoy!

Lisa Newell

Who doesn’t love the ‘girl-next-door’? That nice, kind, pleasantly pulled together girl who has all of her ducks in a row is seemingly perfection personified.  Surely, if her feathers are ruffled she’ll break the mold, right? Maybe, but Sandra Bullock is still rock solid, business as usual—poised, polished and private. So private that her darling African American baby boy, Louis Bardo, had been cuddled up with the ‘girl-next-door’ and no one knew.  Bullock announced she was adopting her 3 1/2-month-old son from New Orleans in a People magazine interview.  

Meanwhile, as I mentioned this to a girlfriend yesterday, her comments were “This situation happens to intelligent, amazing, incredible Black women everyday – adulterous affair, divorce, adoption, children, professional success– why are we celebrating her, she is not a poster child for survival. Honestly that’s some bull—!”   Her comments slapped me in the face, made me rewind my own tape and review my personal footage. I smiled, agreed but winked at Sandra and all women who’ve been ‘kicked’ but are unscathed.

Seemingly, Sandra Bullock certainly has a bundle of joy to channel the good while ridding of the toxic.  As we watched her private life unravel days after her professional achievements were celebrated, our hearts ached for her, as it would for anyone who goes through an adulterous discovery.  The media frenzy was gossip hungry, but in this matter, many were more concerned about Sandra than the sticky story itself.  Again, who knew girlfriend was over there brewing with a newborn, changing diapers and sniffing out an exit strategy for the mister. 

If the adage ‘love conquers all’ has any truth to it, her lifetime role as a mother caring for the new man in her life will guide her out of the pain and into pure joy that only a child can give… for now. As for my girlfriend, her points are valid but people who live in front of the camera often get their stories told, sold or celebrated. We have to make sure we celebrate our own victories, as we live our own true stories.

Lisa Newell

More recently than I’d like to admit I discovered I’m not perfect. Not that I ever exactly thought of myself as perfect – I’m way too cool and self-aware for that! – I just believed I was pretty much always right, which is about the same thing, just stated in a more palatable, opaque way. Then one day I was having a “passionate discussion” with my partner, what used to be known as an “argument” until arguing became taboo, and when he turned away from me I stuck my tongue out at the back of his head. And no, he didn’t see me, I saw myself. And in that moment realized that he might well feel what I was arguing, er, discussing, was equally ridiculous.That he could very well feel as impatient with me as I did with him. And yes, that he actually might stick out his tongue, or roll his eyes, or make a rude hand gesture, or whatever, when my back was turned. And that was a breakthrough moment in my relationship with myself, with him, and with the world. The instant I realized mine is not the standard for righteousness or perfection or what should be for anyone but myself, and that in simple terms loving someone and being a real partner , friend, human, requires one to understand and accept this. Which is not to say we no longer have passionate discussions, but simply that being right, perfect, winning is no longer the goal, community is. Now, I keep my tongue in my mouth unless I have something – preferably constructive, loving and not argumentative – to say.

Went off my media diet briefly and overdosed on LisaRaye: The Real McCoy, Basketball Wives, and What Chilli Wants. I should have gone ahead and had the cupcake. Why is it acceptable to become “famous” and have a “career” for being a skeazer, sleazer, has been, wannabe, or grabbing on to a man with money and fame like a barnacle to a jetty? And what was Al Sharpton doing sitting at the table with LisaRaye and her attorney when she got the bad news that ex-hubby probably doesn’t have a dime to squeeze out of him? This is the man who claims to represent us? Me? Thank goodness Obama didn’t cut a deal with any of these self-appointed “Black Leaders” when they went to the White House. (For once, it’s a relief there wasn’t a Black woman in the motley crew.) They didn’t even get a photo op with the President.

Good reading: Noam Chomsky,on America; Eddie Glaude on the Black church; Rev. Irene Monroe on anything.

Just in: Dorothy Height passes at 98

Jill Nelson 4/20/10 – The blog with the musical notes!

Help Needed in Haiti. Image courtesy Getty Images.

Death, however and whenever  it comes, is an invitation to live. This is true when it is the death of a loved one, a beloved, and when those who die are unknown, taken by war, or famine, or as yesterday, an earthquake in Haiti. The pain in one case may be more visceral and immediate, in the other intellectual and distant, but the words on the invitation are the same. Death barges in and reminds us of the preciousness of life, not only our own but the lives of others, those who survive. We are simultaneously overwhelmed and ache to do something other than grieve. Whoever death takes, whatever the circumstances, there is always much to be done. We help a bereaved spouse or child, contribute to a memorial fund or send money, clothing, medicine, blankets to relief agencies, and in doing so we affirm life. We reach out to others, close by or oceans away, and in giving begin the journey away from grief back to living. We help however we can. (Text Yele 501501 and donate $5 to Haitian musician and activist Wyclef Jean’s charity, or go to www.yele.org. Or text HAITI to 90999 and $10 will go the Red Cross relief efforts. Donations will be reflected on your next phone bill.) We accept death’s invitation to live because nothing else is humanly possible.

Jill Nelson 1/13/10 – The blog with the musical notes!

A life lived with brilliance, courage, generosity, commitment, elegance, love and hope.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you.

Upon hearing the tragic news regarding Natasha Richardson, I spiraled from shock into a sadden stuper. Surely, with the sudden death of anyone there’s this reality check, or rather mortality check that stops me in my tracks. The brevity of human life always force me to ruminate precious moments that many of us inhale without much thought.  In this short life, time is such a precious gift. Are we slowly unwrapping it and appreciating the beauty of it all or are we ripping the paper off just to get our fair share?

As parents, we have the unique privilege of watching time pass through the lives our children. As they grow and mature, somehow they allow us the rare opportunity to suspend time and proudly relish their accomplishments. From their first steps to their first home, it’s those moments that we can quickly retrieve from memory banks. I often look at old photographs of my children and tingle with joy from looking at their little hands and sweet smiles. It jolts my soul as I embrace those moments shared and yet so quickly gone in a literal flash. Ahhhh, the gift of time…are we living in the fullness of the moment or planning and pushing into the next? 

Although, I try to live my life in the present, there are more days than not, I’ve glanced the clock only to notice the day has completely escaped me. Ripping and running, doing and being all of my roles…time simply flies. True enough, time waits for no one but it seems the older we become, days seem to roll into weeks, months and the next thing you know, years. Take a time out! Love yourself and those in your life by engaging those you care about with words that permeate the soul like a hug that never lets go. Make time to share, love, encourage, and inspire…squeeze tightly we’ve only got one life!  Ms. Richardson’s artistic contribution to the world will be missed!  

Lisa Newell

The most enduring and endearing gesture we have is the extension of our hearts to another.  While love is often conditional it requires your active participation and patience.  I can’t help but think about the unconditional love found in the hearts of those who walked these streets before us.  How much they must have hoped, dreamed, and prayed for “a day when.”

We now live the dream.  It’s a dream we never thought we’d wake to see and yet here we are surrounded by new faces while our beloved ancestors peacefully slumber amidst the promises now signed, sealed and delivered. 

Imagine the kind of love it took to hold our tongues when lashed or serve the master while he served himself to our loins or our loved ones.  Imagine the kind of love it took to stand with a fist held high and represent the pride of a people. Imagine looking down the barrel of a gun and being happy to die for freedom.  Imagine learning a foreign language in a hostile new land.  Imagine creating inventions, music scores, and works of art while being told you’re unteachable.

On this day of reconciliation and restoration, reclaim the true meaning of love.  Remember that love is a conscious contribution of our spirit for the benefit of others, known and unknown.   Love is a gracious gratitude that demands no recognition.  Love is unconditionally unifying, bringing elders and youngsters together to grow and laugh as a family. Love is a supreme submission to open the heart and release the doubt. 

For taking the beatings that were meant for me, I love you.  For taking risks, knowing the consequences, I love you.  For holding my hand, when no one else would, I love you.  For encouraging me when I needed it most, I love you.  For dreaming, hoping, praying, and acting on my behalf, I love you. 

They say black love is the purest of all.  What loving words are you saying to yourself and to the ones you love?  What loving deeds are you doing for yourself and the ones you love?  Is love as hearfelt when it’s embraced and not expressed? Love is whatever we want it to be. But, as the old saying goes, “what the world needs now, is love sweet love.”  It’s the one thing that has kept our eyes on the prize, our hearts faithful, and our hope forever bright.

Ain’t love grand?

Blanche Williams 2/14/2009

Someone once told me that at midnight on New Year’s Eve I should be doing something I hoped to carry into the New Year. Their timing was perfect, since getting loaded, partying frantically, loving the one I was with when the clock struck twelve and spending the first half of the first day of the new year hung over had gotten old. In the years since I’ve welcomed in a new year at my computer writing; on my couch reading; at a club listening to Cassandra Wilson; at the home of good friends; snuggled up with the love in my life; with family. I’ve not sure what the last hours of 2008 and the first of 2009 will bring, besides black-eyed peas and collard greens – although I’ll spend some time imagining the possibilities for the next year.  However you plan to mark the changing of the year,  have a fabulous, peaceful, safe time. Enjoy the music! Here’s to a wonderful, surprising, transformational 2009!

Jill Nelson 12/31/08

Would you buy your ‘ex’ a Christmas gift from your children?

Marvelous, magical, miraculous…don’t you just love Christmas Day? Well, I certainly do! The magnanimous spirit of the season seemed to have grabbed me yesterday as I stood in a crazy-long line at the grocery store to buy the forgotten can of cranberry sauce, of course. As I moved closer to the check-out and drifted out of my ‘me-me-me’ world, I began to sense an undercurrent of joy and anticipation wrapped within each holiday remark exchanged between the sales clerk and customers. I, too, had such pleasantries of patience—such saintly behavior amidst the holiday rush.

Although I didn’t acknowledge it then, the spirit of the season tapped me again when I ran into L’Occitane to purchase an annual gift for my ex-husband. There I was standing in front of a display shifting my weight from side to side deciding whether to get him the verbena shower gel & lotion set or the verbena shea butter soap & exfoliation scrub, when a delightful salesperson with a familiar spirit asked to assist me.

She quickly assessed my gift needs with a few questions so I eloquently ran down the facts: Who: Ex-husband. What: Body Care Products. Why: Christmas gift from children. Price: $50-$75.  Other: I needed something personal yet practical. This was an annual gift from a store I love, a product he appreciates and my daughters always love to give. As her eyes bulged I wasn’t sure if I was giving her ‘too-much-information,’ so I provided a quick disclaimer of how my ex and I are now, eight years later, honest friends/co-parents.

She was deeply intrigued and instantly blurted out “Oh my God, that’s wonderful. My parents have been divorced for twenty-five years and my mother would have never even considered even being in the same room with my father, let alone a gift. Even now she can’t!”

As we picked gift items, she declared from her experience with parents and friends post-marriage friendships are such a rarity. She commended me on providing my children with balance and preserving the family unit for them. An undeniable tingling sensation began to rise in my spirit (not to be confused with the anxiety from the last minute shopping.) I was truly moved by her generous words that hid her personal pain so much so that after my purchase, gift wrap and all, we embraced and I thanked and wished her well. Although we’ve worked diligently to establish common ground, it’s just a gift, no love given or lost! Right?

Weigh in on this one–give or give up?

Are more Black women dating outside of their race?

When it comes to marriage, Census Bureau statistics show Black wife-White husband couples have held fairly steady in recent years, with 117,000 such pairings in 2006, even with 1996 levels. [Just a heads up: the previous two links will open Excel files if you click on them.] If you consider marriages with non-Black husbands, the 2006 figure rises to 146,000. Not surprisingly, comparable statistics on Black husband-White wife couples are double those figures. However, new research from NiaPulse shows that despite our reputation for conservatism about interracial relationships, many Black women are looking to men of other races for companionship.

Here’s a sneak peek at the data: 46 percent of Black women we asked revealed that they have been involved in a relationship with someone of another race, whether it was casual dating, serious dating, or marriage. Fifty-six percent said they either would, or already have married someone outside of their race (it’s safe to say most of them were probably in the “would” category). The NiaPulse online survey of 670 African-American women was conducted in June 2008.
Intrigued? Check back with GGMS later this week and next for more results from this survey and perspectives on the topic.

–Sheryl Huggins Salomon

Meanwhile, are you surprised to hear that so many sisters are dating interracially, or have you seen the signs? Share your thoughts below.