A few days ago, my mother’s cookie press, the kind that you fill with chilled dough, insert a cookie shape in the nozzle, and wield over a cookie sheet like a caulking gun, fell apart in my hands. The truth is, I’d seen disintegration coming but ignored it. Or maybe not quite: in the recent past I bought a more modern cookie press at a yard sale and tucked it, unopened, on a high shelf for future use, hoping the future never came.

Until it did, I resigned myself to re-attaching the threadbare top of my mother’s press – the one she pulled out every Christmas and made cookies with her four children - to the wobbly handle every few cookies. I adjusted to a tired, worn out plunger that never seemed able to pres out that last inch of dough. Then the handle literally broke off in my hand, a hand that was, by the way, a strange aluminum color from screwing and re-screwing the top of the press, and that was it. When I looked at the partially filled cookie sheet I had to admit my press was so worn that all my cookie shapes – Christmas tree, star, terrier, snowman – looked like manatees.

It was probably a good thing that my friend from Washington, D.C. was in the kitchen, too, laughing, talking, and looking a bit incredulous as I labored to hold that old press together, otherwise I might have fallen apart too. I lost my mother some years ago and it is still difficult to relinquish those things that were hers, as if in doing so I lose, bit by bit, who she was. This gets better over time. People die. Things fall apart. Yet the essence of who they were remains alive, not in the things they left, but in the memories and thoughts and love left behind. I retrieve the unused press, load it with chilled dough, insert a shape. This new press requires only one hand and spits out perfectly shaped cookies like one a tennis ball machine, bap, bap, bap. Slather with red or green sugar or multi-colored sprinkles, bake for 10 minutes, they taste just like the cookies my mother used to make, the ones we used to bake as children. And why not?

Jill Nelson 12/18/09 – The blog with the musical notes!

Tomorrow is the last day of camp for my children and suddenly I’m faced with the reality that I’ll be on my own, or rather not! No more eight hours days to work without interruption, no more quiet mornings sipping cups of coffee knowing the girls are off diving in the pool, on an adventurous field trip and having six straight hours of fun. No more folks, no more.

For the next five weeks, my children will saunter out of their bedrooms rubbing their eyes and glaring into mine with expectation that I’ll be the new ‘Julie’ the cruise director of their ‘fun boat.’ Yes, for thirty-seven days, my girlie girls will be footloose and schedule-free. On one hand it’ll be a refreshing change that lends itself to spontaneity, on the other it’ll be like opening a kind of Pandora’s Box.

What happened to our past time of unplanned fun, playing outside, riding bicycles, strolling the neighborhood with friends and reading a book? Instead, I’ll be the source of entertainment and among the likes of Aunt Jemima, Julia Child and Rachel Ray–strapped to the stove. I don’t know why, but my kids are always asking “which meal is this breakfast, brunch?” Which is super annoying, “its food darling,” doesn’t matter! God forbid, they have two meals and a snack because they’ve slept-in, yikes! Three meals is a requirement, who knew?!?!

Well one thing is for sure, we’ll enjoy but we’ll work on the ‘not-so-fun’ kid stuff. I’ve purchase age appropriate books that we’ll be reading together– yes, book club! We’ll work on public speaking, bought a mic & speaker. They’ll give oral book report presentations to move through the number one fear of most people on the planet. We’ll dig through closets and donate goods that are still goodies to those in need. We’ll refresh the garden and make sure all is growing….as we are! Honey child…here we go!

Lisa Newell

Is a cover-up better than full exposure?

So, this morning I’m in a bit of a quandary. I’m slightly stirred and becoming  more sensitive to my daughter’s relationship with their father, hence this particular celebratory weekend – Father’s Day. As a divorced, single parent of tween girls, hormones are typically raging from all sides, so I encourage them to manage their own relationship with their father and I only intervene when there’s stress or an emotional melt down. In a casual aura, I periodically check-in with them to gauge their relationship state. As of recent, I’ve noticed their relationship and communication has become strained, brief, nonchalant, and disengaged with their father.

Since he lives in a different locale, in tandem with other facts, they haven’t seen him in six months which seems to be eroding their relationship foundation. Yes, six months is tough for an eight and twelve year old, especially if the communication isn’t intentional or consistent. A few days ago, I overheard them excitedly ask their dad if he was coming for Father’s Day so they could do their ritual weekend. Then the tears started to flow, frustrations and whining amplified and next….nothing, silence. My little one came to me for a few hugs and resiliently bounced back, my eldest quietly shut the door to her bedroom to deal with her mixed emotions. Later we discussed all, but perhaps my positive coaxing is beginning to sound like excuses at the crux of a challenged father-daughter relationship.

So here I sit in observation mode with a couple options….there are always options. First, my girlies are my priority. I must look through a lens with a panoramic view to determine what is best for them, short and long term– mentally, emotionally, spiritually and physically- even if I lightly step on my former husband’s toes. The fact of the matter is, I’ve become their source to sort out emotional issues, even if it deals with their father. As much as I’m supportive and want to put a positive spin on all, I’m unsure if he realizes the magnitude of his emotional absence and most importantly the impact of his detached approach to parenting. Love is an action not just a word, last I heard.

Explaining this would be like throwing gasoline to a fire, then water — what’s left smoldering, hot air. Not to taint their perception, but I really could  breakdown the truth and give my children the opportunity to develop and shape their own story, with my end-notes. But many say, let them cultivate their relationship without influence. It’s a touchy situation to see your children hurting and know the source of the pain… the other parent. Creating family and healthy child/parent relationships outside of divorce is possible, but only when both parent are committed to the cause – and can envision what it looks like for themselves and the children. As co-parents we agreed to this approach and we are friendly, but seems like a friendly fire may be what’s necessary to spark change! 

I sincerely wish all the amazing men who actively parent a HAPPY FATHER’S DAY, and certainly to all mothers who stand in the gap!

Lisa Newell

My children are on a  serious count down for school to end and summer break to start …and just for the record, I AM TOO! Last I heard, that isn’t the most popular thing to say among a group of illusionary ‘perfect’ parents, but I must admit…I need a darn break. Gathered on the playground or nested inside any extracurricular parent circle, it’s amazing how competitive conversations become when ask, “so what are you guys doing for summer break?” Honestly, I usually want to scream– absolutely, positively NOTHING! But instead, I calmly admit that we’ve scheduled light activities –swim, ballet, family camp, but for the most part we’ll be bike riding, beach combing and squeezing in a few books and of course math facts. No, we won’t get ‘left behind’ but we will rest, relax, rejuvenate and restore ourselves for the next go round!

Who doesn’t need a break, don’t we all? Well parents, for some ungodly reason, have become the poster children for a ‘guilt-driven-break-free’ life. At least that’s what it seems like in most contemporary, progressive family social circles. It’s all about over achievement and over stimulation. Again, a jam-packed summer schedule does not spell success in my parental dictionary– its spells burn-out. Parents need a gentle reminder that business professionals take breaks to regroup and refresh. Athletes, on their toughest courts, take multiple timeouts to rest and reset plays. Heck, in other countries entire communities take a siesta, so why can’t children and thus parents take a break without feeling as though they’re pioneering a ‘please leave us behind’ initiative?

Honestly, I’m looking forward to a ten week period that’s toned down a notch without the daily demand of academia — who knew the second and sixth grade had become the new fifth and ninth grade?! Although I’m advocate of higher learning and advance academic achievement, I won’t miss packing lunches or daily web surfing of my children’s school portal for grades, upcoming assignments and fundraising events; not to mention the numerous volunteer school committee meetings.Yes, I’m looking forward to ‘my’ break, can you tell?

So, instead of cringing when I’m among ‘those’ who want to banter about summer plans—I will humorously say…I’m home schooling my girls, we’re doing educational activities (reading books), conducting lots of market research (museums) and taking tons of field trips (beach)! Yes, the television will be turned OFF! ‘Dancing with the stars’ will be every evening in the backyard after our bar-b-ques! And surely, while my girls are working on being the next ‘American Idol’ in their own lives, I’ll be plotting on how NOT to be the last ‘bachelorette’ on the planet — how’s that for summer fun?!

How do you break-away? Do you appreciate slamming on the brakes or do you action-pack your summers with academics and extracurricular activities? What are you thoughts on year-round education? Advocate or adversary?

Lisa Newell

The meaning of Mother’s Day has changed over the years. In 1870 Julia Ward Howe, abolitionist, activist, and author of The Battle Hymn of the Republic, envisioned it as a day for mother’s dedicated to peace. At the death of her mother Anna Reeves Jarvis in 1905, a bereaved Anna M. Jarvis in 1907 began her campaign for a national day honoring mothers. Surely neither of these socially conscious, activist women intended Mother’s Day become the commercial bonanza it has, in which we give gifts to honor our mothers and the focus on peace has been eclipsed. Thanks to the women of Code Pink for reminding us of the day’s peaceful, progressive roots.

For me, Mother’s Day started out thrilling, moved to nice, then frankly got to be something of a chore trying to figure out a gift to give my mother and what to do on that Sunday that hadn’t already been done and was something more than obligatory. This wasn’t actually a bad thing, since I’d come to a closeness with my mother that was constant. We didn’t need a day to remind us how important we were to one another.

Then my mother died, and my relationship with Mother’s Day profoundly changed. I’m a mother, and so is my daughter, but that primary and primal, visceral connection to Mother’s Day has faded now that I am a motherless child. I try, these days, to appreciate my daughter and myself and all the wonderful women, mothers and not, randomly, 365 days a year. Especially those who, in so many different ways, remind us of the necessity for peace and justice. Some of us may be motherless, but we are not alone. Enjoy all you Mothers!

Jill Nelson 5/8/09

A child’s challenge can become a parent’s nightmare! 

 Puberty….this tender time of adolescent life can be quite confusing to say the least and even that much more uncomfortable for parents who are ill equipped. It’s time to further educate our children about their bodies during their sexual development. Believe me, the ‘truth’ you discuss at home will set them free from any friendly ‘dares’ on the playground where many children unfortunately learn and explore their sexuality.

Although the development of secondary sex characteristics during puberty is natural, it can be a shocking experience for children. From what I can remember, the journey into adulthood felt relatively abrupt. I felt very self-conscious of the metamorphosis and wanted to hide in my cocoon…who knew a butterfly was about to erupt? Not all adolescence have the same reaction however, they are tackling changes…the increase of sweat gland activity, acne, and need we mention, hair growth in places they’ve never seen it before. And let’s not forget the long awaited yet feared menarche for girls and squeaky voice changes for boys. Remember that? And lastly, the emotional roll-a-coaster that could make anyone dizzy…I like him, I hate him, he loves me, he loves me not. (Some of us may still be going through that one.)  

As parent, we have to stay one step ahead of the game. More often than not we tend to think ‘not my child’ but let the truth be told, if you’re not in the game someone else will do the dribbling for you. Create a space in your relationship with your son or daughter to continuously engage them about their feelings and desires during this stage of development. Discuss appropriate and inappropriate behavior they may encounter from the opposite sex, then set boundaries for respect with words and actions. Provide them with age appropriate sex education books to help them navigate this newness. Stay informed about what’s considered normal behavior patterns for tweens and teens with tips from the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry. They provide great insight to keep parents grounded during this heighten period!

Are you equipped to help your child transition during this physical growth spurt and cognitive development stage? Better yet are you equipped to react to behavioral changes as your tween or teen become acutely aware of their sexuality? Unlike many of our parents, have you had conversations about sex with your children? At what age?

Lisa Newell

Growing pains – what is your child’s self-image?

We’ve got some dynamic parents who commented on last week’s Power Struggle blog. It seems when it comes to our adolescences, most lean toward an old school approach of ‘control or consequence’ for disciplining negative behavior. Surely our tweens and teens need adequate space to be fully self-expressed but not at the expense of blatant disrespect. Bravo to all the Moms who know when to draw the line and how to teach positive boundaries for our children – such a delicate balance but let’s further the thought. 

I’ve gotta tell my story because we’re all going through the same thing in one realm or another I suppose. My daughter is in sixth grade and, just for the record she’s going through her blossoming-stage in every sense of the word. Although we’re very close and have daily dialogue about her life/emotions/opinion, I’ve noticed she’s slowly shifting into a more private, territorial and sensitive space. (The apron strings are being shredded, can you tell?)  Puberty has taken control of her mind and body. No worries, we’ve all been through it, right?! To eliminate her being swayed by uncensored topics discussed on the playground, over the past few years I’ve established a sacred space/time for us to girl-talk: every Sunday night before bed. Amusingly, she and her friends are comparing training bra sizes but astonishingly they’re also discussing weight-gain and dieting! Curves sure…. but W-E-I-G-H-T?! (Surely, celebrities and models have tragicly become a girl’s ’thin’ barometer) 

I was about to blow my ‘confidentialily’ cover, but I had to slow it down before she stop telling me the inside scoop. I covered the entire list of nonchalant inquires about she and her friends self-image then, casually into how and why the body changes/reconfigures itself. Then, without hesitancy I jumped head first into the eating disorder conversations. (Who, knew?!) Yes, I graphically went into that dark place with explanation and warnings. Lastly, we personalized it. My daughter is tall for a 12 year old and happens to be slim, not even athletic, just lean muscle –she’s a ballet girl. She would evaporate, literally, on a darn diet. Of course, she is on the healthy chart for age/height/weight but I’ve notice I’ve become a tad observant watching her at breakfast and dinner. Although she’s always been a granola bar and green apple snacker, I’m peeping out her consumption. We’re fine for now, BUT she’s worried about one of her friends who feel fat, although she is not. Beyond addressing this with your child, how would you tackle this concern without breeching confidentiality with your child or overstepping your boundaries with another family?

From being obsessed about weight gain to not being conscious at all, hence obesity — how should parents manage this ‘mind over matter’ issue? Is your child’s pediatrician addressing nutrition issues during check-ups? How are we monitoring our youth’s self-image or are we letting the media ‘role models’ dictate their physical goals? Where is the balance?

Lisa Newell

Okay, somebody, please tell me that you’ve experienced what I will kindly refer to as the MOTHERLOAD! One of those days, you know the kind, where spontaneous demands have you spiraled out and nothing goes as planned. A day that has you thinking at any moment Ashton is going to jump out of nowhere with his camera crew and tell you that you’ve been Punk’d!  More profoundly put, a day that has you wondering why another mother didn’t tell you, that you would have days and nights like this…

PEACE…
Although my night-owl hours don’t always fit well into my motherhood wake up call, I tend to relish the silence and stillness in my home after my daughters are finally sound asleep. No electronics, gadgets, or otherwise…just silence. It’s my time to regroup, inhale, exhale and listen to my inner voice buried underneath the layers of external roles. Last night in particular was picture perfect. We’d just been hit with massive snowfall that made outside look like a postcard –peace in the midst of a storm. As I headed for bed at 2am, it made me think of my motherhood mantra: stay calm while juggling one hundred and one things and remember to smile! Funny, right!?

PANIC…
Before my alarm clock had the pleasure of interrupting my sleep, my doorbell rang. It wasn’t just a ring but an aggressive ‘you-better-get-down-here’ multiple back to back series of rings. I vaguely remember a fuzzy 6:02 on the clock but before I could completely open my eyes my panic adrenaline had me swiftly moving down a flight of stairs toward the front door in robe with the remote alarm pad in hand. I squinted through the peephole…..you are kidding me! Walking off my porch was a young man with shovel. You are kidding me, right?? Come on it’s 6am! I wanted to open that door snatch him by his little collar and tell him not to ever ring anyone’s door bell like that or that early unless it’s an emergency, but of course I didn’t. But, most importantly I didn’t realize it was going to set the tone for my day.

FRANTIC…
Next scene, traffic was crazy, the kids were late for school and my little one left her lunch on the counter and declared she would rather starve than eat the school lunch. I had to hit the Subway and double back to school. Next, home office… working away, I turn around and my dog begins to choke while I’m on a business call. I can’t, I can’t! Panicked for the second time before noon, I drop the phone and scream “Oh God, please Powder, please don’t %#@ die!”  He didn’t, but I had a disgusting mess to clean up!! Next scene, pick up kids take them to activities and you know the rest…run, run, run!
 
PEACE…
After the girls were asleep, I did my nightly ritual. I walked into the living room and looked out the window and reflected upon my wild day and laughed so hard tears came to my eyes. I fell on the sofa and said this is the craziest, thing ever! This wild thing call motherhood is somehow worth every second of the day. Just when you think it’s not going to get any harder…it does!  What is your MOTHERLOAD and how do you ease the weight of it ???

Lisa Newell

Should you ‘check’ your children?

From across the playground, if you glanced at us quickly exchanging goodbye kisses in the morning or observed us in Starbucks grabbing hot chocolates after school you would never guess the crazy, rigorously, over-the-top effort and involvement it takes to get my daughters out of the house and well-adjusted into their day. Whew! A fly on the wall would be dizzy after watching our real-deal behind closed doors.

What on earth would a school morning be like without watching the clock and managing their list of reminders…“did you brush your teeth…did you pack your milk money and ballet bag for after school…why are you still standing in front of your closet, you laid out your clothes last night…hurry ladies, breakfast is ready, we’ve got five minutes and leave the dog alone…where is your other glove?!” It almost makes the hours in between, working full-time seem like somewhat of a relaxing coffee break.

When I saw the snapshots of our President-elect and future First Lady/Mom-in-Chief with their daughters on their first day at a new school, I felt a motherhood kinship…I’m not alone! In moments of a time crunch, my single motherhood often feels like I’m on a small rowboat at sea with one paddle…and my kids onboard bickering, of course. I’m not a jaded single parent but rosy glasses aren’t my style, I like to see crystal clear, no tint, please! Meaning, circumstances may not always be conducive for optimal balance but one must remain proactive, productive and often make up for the shortage of the absent parent by rowing harder and faster to stay afloat. But when it comes to children, when does observation become rudimentary and assistance began to impede their skills to paddle for their own boat?

My thoughts, truly there’s a fine line between independence and codependence when it come to raising children, especially tweens. Even after my daughters prep the night before it seems the gentle reminders are welcomed with a ‘oh yeah, thanks mom’ response. Surely at the tender age of eight and eleven most tweens need guidance stay in balance organized but when does too much help make them, well, (God-forbid) helpless?

Lisa Newell

Happy New Year, happy new you! Who needs a list of resolutions when a super-duper close look in the mirror can reflect exactly what you need for a happier and healthier new you in 2009? More personal time may be all that’s needed to bring forth a better you so you can love, laugh and let your brilliant light shine a little brighter!

Lights, camera, action-packed…ahhhhhhh, motherhood! I’ve spent countless hours with my children in the spotlight of my life that it seems that I’ve forgotten how to star in my own show. Either that or I’m so ridiculously tired, that a lackluster performance is all that’s left. After juggling everything from my career to domestic demands and the nonstop play dates, practices, games, recitals, and dare I mention assisting in the daunting ivy-league like elementary school homework, I often end my day looking in a mirror saying….hellooooo, where are YOU in this lovely picture? Balance, ladies balance!

Wouldn’t trade any of the craziness for the world but who knew, mommy dearest may have simply needed a time-out, imagine that! Whatever the case, I am determined to get mine in 2009…my rest, my peace and tranquility and my ‘selfish-guilt-free’ time to indulge in the things that make me…well…me! Forget the occasional spa-treatment that’s over the moment I open my eyes, but a Zen moment that connects me to my inner being everyday. If I’m jeopardizing my ‘mother-of-the-year’ award, I must joyfully say, I don’t want it. I’m confident my ‘me-of-the-year’ award will benefit us all. Please take note of the adage: when Mama’s happy, everybody is happy! It’s time to be happier than ever! Today do a soft reboot, after all who doesn’t need to hit the ‘alt-ctrl-delete’ key in life every now and again?! Now that’ll make a happy new Y-O-U!

Lisa Newell