Transformation literally means to rise above form, or transcend “form”. Form is what you are seeing in your world at the moment. And here is what I’ve discovered: what I see was formed by my perceptions. How I see life ultimately determines my experience of life.

My perceptual system is unique to me in many ways. My thoughts, emotions and feelings create the vision and energy that forms how I experience life. I know that most people still believe that we are hapless victims of circumstances. I used to.

It has been so freeing to realize that this is just not the case. While I cannot control everything in my world, I can control how I react to a great degree. Here’s an as yet little known point that is powerful – how aware are you that the physical world starts within the quantum field of all that is?

In practical terms, everything is energy and then the invisible, tiny particles of waves and particles “gel” into form according to our consciousness. Or, another way to look at it is what we expect to see because of how we perceive life, repeatedly shows up in our experience. It becomes a “self-fulfilling prophecy. While science shows there is no such thing as empty space and that the “observer” affects the movement of the quantum field, there is much controversy over “what is consciousness”?

Also, there are those who argue that we cannot yet “prove” that our choices influence this tiny quantum world to manifest things in the macroscopic big world. You will also find many world-renowned scientists who will argue that the tiny is indeed the building blocks for the visible. You choose.

I know by personal experience that I am able to transform what shows up in my life by clearing out and healing old energy patterns (another way of saying “old beliefs” or emotional blockages) and thinking and feeling new intentions. This is key. Of course you must also take inspired action.

In order to rise above your present forms that are showing up in your life, you have to take “response ability” for where you are and then take proactive steps to change. This means learning new ideas, as the old ideas got you what you currently see. It is also waking up to the possibility that there is more to you than meets the eye.

A part of personal transformation for me has been realizing that the dreams and visions in my heart were planted there for a reason, for a season, and they can only grow to fruition if I am willing to change. I had to stop waiting to be rescued or blaming others and take the first step and then continue to move ahead on the journey to Self-discovery.

You can create a new story for your life. You have the ability, you just need to “wake up” and recognize it!  Our dreams really are just waiting for us to wake up.

Do you know that there is an area in the left-hemisphere of the brain that creates “autobiographical memory”? The story of who you think you are? What are your thoughts?

Valencia Ray, MD

The Confidence Doc

This weekend I had a run in with the moral idea of forgiveness. It showed up with someone I thought I had forgiven long ago. Here I had been trudging along happily in this relationship, happy that we had put the bad days behind us and then WHAM!!! I overheard them stabbing me in the back…again. Well I lost it…I’m thinking here I have forgiven you for the past, and now when you think I am not looking you betray me yet again. I cursed them out like my life depended on it. Then I felt guilty…

Guilty for not being more “forgiving”, guilty for being angry at them for betraying me…I hadn’t forgiven and that made me feel like I had failed. I don’t know if it’s religion or our blame the victim cultural mentality, but it seems “forgiveness” is the heavy burden placed on the person who has been injured. We are told we are not free if we don’t “forgive”, we are going to ruin our lives and become bitter and twisted if we don’t somehow “forgive”…ultimately to be a good person you must “forgive”.

I’m starting to wonder if “forgiveness”…like “love” is a word that holds little real meaning. We can say it and usually that’s enough, or better still the offender can ask for it and well…you better get to forgiving them. So how does one even begin to forgive? What does real forgiveness look like? Are there levels to it, like an airline milage club? If you can have dinner with your rapist or visit the man who murdered your family, are you super elite forgiving and will ride first class to heaven and a life of eternal peace? I started looking for the standards of forgiveness last night online, surveyed a few friends and no one could give me a real answer or direct me to a how to manual on forgiveness. I need a Forgiveness for Dummies

I did get lots of esoteric talk and some tears from my offender. Like a TV evangelist caught with his pants down in the little boys dressing room, she gave me sobs and sobs and then indignation. People expect to be forgiven you know. How dare you not forgive me, I’m entitled to it was the tone in her voice before she hung up on me for being…”too angry”, my vocal displeasure was off putting to her. I expect a youtube video next week, or maybe she will join a church, you know the conviently pious expect an automatic get out of jail free card.

So with all the talk this past week of Fathers Day, what it means to be a dad, and the importance of men’s role in young women’s lives, it would seem that Morgan Freeman has taken to his “Granddaddy Promise” like a duck to water… like Woody Allen to Soon Yi… like…ok you get it right?  What would Ed Gordon and his group of daddy deliverers say about this? Morgan is about to get his purity ball card revoked! Morgan, Morgan, Morgan… sit on Granddaddy’s lap doesn’t typically include a “lap dance”!

It is alleged, by way of Morgan’s soon to be ex-wife Myrna, that he has gone the way of Woody Allen and been having an affair with his much younger “step-granddaughter”. Noted… step-granddaughter, not blood and so now I ask does that make a difference? Currently, embroiled in a bitter divorce, is Myrna Freeman just being spiteful or is this a case of  “it” all coming out in the wash?  Although not wholly proven, I feel the saying “where there is smoke… there is fire “ being all to appropriate. 

Even if true, does it really matter? Today E’dena Hines is 27, and it seems that their relationship could simply be viewed as no more than a case of a younger woman and an older man, a tale as old as time. Does the fact that he was once her grandfather (by marriage) and had a supposed hand in raising her change everything?  Will you look at him differently? 

In terms of Hollyweird actors, Morgan is one of my favorites and this one is personally very tough for me to figure out how I feel about it.  Read the story below, one of many from various news sites, all telling the same story, and tell us what you think….Morgan…Morgan…Morgan

To read latimes story please click here…

In a rather shocking revelation, it has emerged that Morgan Freeman allegedly had a decade-long affair with his step-granddaughter E’Dena Hines.

The 72-year-old actor has been embroiled in a bitter divorce battle with wife of 25 years, Myrna Colley-Lee. And it was Myrna and Morgan who raised E’Dena Hines—the granddaughter of Morgan’s first wife, Jeanette Adair Bradshaw.

“Myrna said E’dena told her that when she was a teenager, she and Morgan went to dinner at a friend’s house one evening. Both had been drinking and when they returned home Morgan attempted to have sex with her. They stopped just short of having intercourse,” The Los Angeles Times quoted a close family insider as telling The Enquirer.

Although Myrna confronted Morgan about the incident, but the clandestine romance continued and escalated. In fact, E’Dena has been Morgan’s escort to several Hollywood events, including the premiere of The Dark Knight.

I think I’ve officially lost my edge…if it’s not gone totally it is fading fast. Like those last few holiday pounds that drop off as Winter fades. I’m actually becoming…ahem…a “nice” person. Yesterday, I was told that I had changed, that I was such a nice person now. Now it wasn’t that I was mean before, I didn’t kick small animals or push old ladies down stairs but I was a person known for “not taking anyone’s crap”. I would do nice things…but I wasn’t a “nice” person. Ouch! 

I thought I was just direct and “fully expressed”. You knew what I wanted, when I wanted it, how I thought it SHOULD be done, what I thought you did that could’ve been done better i.e. the way I would do it and around my house if I was unhappy…look out. Even the dogs would scurry if I was in a state. My fiance would joke…”Uh Oh Mommy’s coming get out of the way”.  But it wasn’t funny. Finally, everyone did get out of my way…for good. Everyone knew they couldn’t run over me, they knew they couldn’t subjugate me, that I wasn’t going to be taken for a ride…but they also were afraid of me. Who trusts being close to a ticking time bomb? 

While everyone is worried about the images of Black Women as sexual objects, I’m more worried about the images of us as these sour puss, angry, snap on you in a minute kind of beings with no patience or understanding, wholly intolerable and unpleasant to be around. If Madea is in jail, let her stay there. 

True strength, like true beauty is found on the inside. When you’re really strong you don’t have to worried about being “taken” for anything…except maybe being a truly “nice” person. 

I was struck with a very important question, that I know has likely been asked and answered numerous places before, however none of the answers I’ve come across really seemed to get to the root of the question. Is “cyber-loving” cheating. Some say yes, some say harmless, but there is no general agreement and after this weekend I just don’t know! Here’s what happened…

A good friend of mine (we’ll call her Sally) came home a bit early from yoga and found her husband ( we’ll call him Jimmy) in their family study, online.. having a…ehm… “personal moment”. She didn’t let him know she saw or heard what he was doing, and she hasn’t mentioned it yet but she’s pretty upset about the whole thing. She called me from a Starbucks Sunday morning practically weeping in her double shot Carmel Macchiato to ask me if I thought what he did constituted infidelity?? If she should confront him or just forget it? Huh?? Not the conversation I expected after church but ok…

Now aside from the fact that I now have way more information about Jimmy than I ever needed…I didn’t think I was the best source to refer to on matters of faithful spouses. My ex put the cheat in cheater…I’d have preferred him to go online vs. blowing the car note on cheap Jersey City hotels but I digress. I honestly didn’t have an answer so I gave her the lame old…”If you think it is then it is”. Helpful right? Not so much. 

I honestly don’t know if what Jimmy did was a violation of the marriage vows. I mean isn’t this thing sort of like giving your teen booze at home (supervised) vs. them sneaking around? Not that I advocate giving your kid alcohol but they are going to try it, better at home no? 

I want to comfort my friend who is clearly upset but I don’t want to pass judgement and fuel a fire towards poor Jimmy either who in my humble opinion didn’t do anything really that wrong. (except perhaps failing to lock a door) 

Is it a violation of marriage vows and in fact cheating to get “lovin” online? Or have we made the rules of commitment so stringent that not even the pope could pass? 

Yesterday was one of the most important days of my life, I was made an offer I couldn’t refuse. I was asked to be a Godmother! If you know me, you know how meaningful it was because of my relationship with my own Godmother. She has been the single greatest inspiration in my life. When I thought of the woman I wanted to become, the model I wanted to follow…it was her. She has been the greatest influence in my life, and my best friend. Our relationship and my very life is proof in my belief that nurture can overtake nature any day! I have some very big, and very stylish shoes to live up to. If I do half as well…

I remember one of my first gifts from my Godmother, I was about three and she brought me a blue Cookie Monster tee-shirt that said St. Thomas on it, I wore it until it became a tight midriff on a six year old and cookie monster had faded into the worn fabric, with only the words homas legible. Thirty years later I still put on something she’s given me every single day. My brain, my character, my sense of humor, my business acumen, my relentlessness, my patience (sometimes my impatience) and a pink cashmere sweater; given to her from my Godfather Uncle who deserves a a write up all on his own because he CAN actually walk on water. It’s true. 

I take the role of Godmother very seriously, as I live by the value to whom much is given… My friends who selected me are amazing parents and what struck me the most when they asked me was that they let their child decide in a way. Most people choose a Godparent based on friendship, how long they have known someone, etc… the child is just a baby at the time and usually and there’s a ceremony, some cake and done. You don’t really know how the child and that person are going to interact, or relate to each other. The relationship can turn out hit or miss. My own Godmother and I were a slam hit, it was like the lottery that no one could’ve ever predicted. Well my friends took a different approach in a sense, they let her pick me in a way, which makes the honor even greater.

She’s three now and they watched us over the years… how we interacted, how much fun we have together, how comfortable she is with me and I am with her. They thought about what qualities I could bring to her life, which is different, in some cases, than the qualities I bring to our friendship. 

I have to make a note about fathers because we speak of Black men and fatherhood and often it’s a mixed bag conversation. Although it was a unified decision, my Godchild’s father formally asked me. He’s an incredible man, but I can affectionately confirm he would never write for Hallmark. I will never forget that he asked me to take such an important role in his family. He may not know it, but he healed a place in me from my own fathers absence that I can’t describe and although he’d never want to take credit, he raised the bar in my future selection of men in my own life. As a Godparent I must build on the values she already sees. 

I’m, beaming with joy today and can confirm that parenthood definitely changes you, I awoke up to a heavy Northeast blizzard this morning and instead of rolling my eyes about the pain of shoveling the walk, I thought about my Goddaughter waking in her pj’s and running to the window and saying…”look look snow!!!”

I can also confirm that should anyone stand in the way of her happiness, I will in my own Don Corleone/Brandoesque way…make them an offer they cannot refuse!! 

They call themselves “sister wives” and they are supposed to look out for each other, watch each other’s back and children (who are also siblings) because they are family. Married to the same man, sharing their lives and their…ummm…with one husband who is the head of ALL of their households. I’ve a growing addiction to the HBO show Big Love and a growing curiosity about how polygamy actually works. If it really does work or is it some outdated patriarchal concept kept alive so that men can have their cake and eat it too? I first thought ick, now I wonder if there is a place for it outside of the Middle East and the mountains of Utah?

There were valid reasons why this construct made sense in some ancient cultures. Scarcity of men to marry… and care for the women in their community. Familiar? Note the operative word being “care” for. Polygamy demanded that the husband be able to financially care for each wife and all their children, so his big heart required a big bank book which was why it was primarily for the wealthy classes. Yes one more perk for the rich but there were no babies daddies and few single moms. I watch this show and wonder if this cultural taboo can work in a world where most women if given the opportunity can and will “care” for themselves. Funny how we are so independent yet men have yet to become obsolete in our lives. We (the collective female we) still care if we don’t have one. 

We’ve talked ad nausea about the supposed man “shortage” and women cry over and over about being alone. Could “Big Love” be the answer?

Each woman gets time with him a few days a week, that’s more than many of us date in years, he provides for all and you get a group of “sister wives” to hang out with and share likely the same complaints about THE Husband. If the issues are different all the better, you learn something new about him. I know many men who would love this idea, in “theory” it would however require more integrity than most of the rapid hand raisers have but if applied right could this be a solution to so many of our romantic, familial and relationship problems? It’s not a question of being religiously sanctioned, there are many bibles that say it’s perfectly ok, if not encouraged. The sin was a single woman as I’ve been told. 

There is so much more to polygamy than my oversimplification here but I watch this show, on for many seasons now, and can’t help but wonder about the idea even if I wouldn’t consider it personally. Could Big Love solve a Big Problem? 

Friendship is a word that we pack a myriad of relationships into, it’s like a sardine can that can quickly become a trash can filled with discarded BFF’s if we’re not careful. “That’s my friend”, “She’s my best friend”, and “They are a friend of a friend”.We have our “boyfriends” and our “girlfriends” and some have friends “with benefits” (a phrase I never understood in that, isn’t friendship in and of itself a benefit?) and then there’s the not often said within earshot… “We’re just friends”.

I saw a “Dear Friend” I hadn’t seen in a while recently, and one for whom my feelings have spanned everything from casual interest to complete devotion. A “dear friend” for whom I have tearfully walked away from, joyously returned to and been ambivalently indifferent about. Our “friendship” has been the subject of numerous discussions with other “friends”, “boyfriends” “girlfriends” and even my “professional friends” who charge by the hour for a listening ear.

This “Dear Friend” probably has no idea that our relationship sent me on quest to find out, what’s the true meaning of a friend?

Is it someone who knows you well enough to pick out the perfect gift on your birthday? Is it someone who you can call in a crisis and know they will be there for you day or night? Is it someone for whom you share all the details of your life with? Who will feed your dog and see you through the loss of a spouse, a parent or even a goldfish? Is it someone who can offer advice and not direction and never say I told you so behind your back or to your face? Is it one of these things, all of these things or a few must haves in order to be deemed true friendship?

If this were it then looking at my DF I would have to say, “no good”, because we’ve shared few of these things. I don’t have a stack of birthday cards or endless fireside chats about family, politics or relationships to reflect back on. We’ve never seen a movie and as for family…I just know there is one. Yet I most assuredly and very pointedly would tell you that DF is my “closest friend”! Why?

The best explanation has been one given to me by my spiritual teacher who said when posed with the question, ” Because our friends show us who we are”. At first I thought simple, of course… and DF shows me that I have the ability to look beyond another’s shortcomings, to forgive them and be their friend anyway. Oh DF tried my patience, but my messiah complex was strong and I wasn’t going to be told I wasn’t benevolent. Clearly young grasshopper had missed the point.

After several visions of myself ( because it was about me for way to long) through DF, I finally understand what my teacher meant…

Friendship is not about the reflection of self that we strive to constantly improve, influence or wipe clean with, nor is it just about the “form” of life that comes in gifts and sharing events, although funny enough when you find the first the other just comes, not because you have to but because why wouldn’t you want to?

Real friendship isn’t about connecting through the “stuff” or sharing an ambition of attainment. In it you should feel safe enough to be exposed, human and vulnerable. In it you should never, ever feel judged, obliged or imposed upon.

In parting with my “Dear Friend” I couldn’t help but wonder if this outlook on friendship is shared or simply my take on it. I really hope so because something tells me it’s alot harder to find than someone to share my love for 80’s pop with.

When I was 22 I was fond of saying that I was looking for a man with lots of PEP: potential earning power. That way he could keep me in (as my Dad used to say) the manner to which I had become accustomed.

Then I found out that it was easier for a sister to acquire her own PEP than to find a mate with it. (Although Black women earn less on average, than Black men–$566 a week compared to their $629 a week–more of us have reached professional/managerial status, and those of us who are college-educated are earning more than our male counterparts )

I also discovered that the men who have lots of PEP tend to expect to be catered to, and excused for a lot of bad behavior.

When I was 32 and realized that I actually had a little bit of PEP myself, I jokingly said that what I really needed was a male “wife”: someone to provide love, nurturing, and support on the home front while I pursued that peppy career.

Then my biological clock kicked in, and I realized that I wanted to be a nurturer too, and a parent one day. I would need a counterpart with personal strength, and confidence–one who could provide a strong male role model regardless of his income, and know how to assure me that everything is going to be all right.

Now at 42 I am married to a journalist who is strong-minded, passionate about his career, but very supportive and nurturing as well. I won’t be sitting home on my tush and eating bon-bons anytime soon on his EP (the P is missing because by the time you hit 40, potential and reality are pretty much the same), but that’s okay. I have a career I love that pays well enough, I know he’ll make a good father, and I believe he will achieve the dreams he has set his heart on.

We’re a team, and we’ll keep each other in the love to which we have become accustomed.

Okay, now that I’ve brought you perilously close to sugar shock, let me leave you with this bit of data: According to a June 2008 NiaPulse survey, Black women are overwhelmingly comfortable with the idea of looking beyond income to find a mate.

When asked if they have ever been involved in a relationship with someone who made less money than they did (whether casual dating, serious dating, or marriage), four out of five of the 670 Black women we surveyed said yes. 

We upped the ante and asked if they would marry (or have already married) someone who made less. Three-quarters of respondents said still yes. That willingness rose with age, from 73% of 18-29 year olds to 78% of 40-49 year olds, before dropping off to 71% of those over age 50.

This should put to rest any talk about Black women being money-hungry, or materialistic gold diggers.  It probably won’t, but it should.

–Sheryl Huggins Salomon

Are you looking for a man with PEP, or are you the one with PEP? Are you okay with earning more than your mate? Why do you think the image persists of Black women being materialistic? Share your thoughts below.

Are more Black women dating outside of their race?

When it comes to marriage, Census Bureau statistics show Black wife-White husband couples have held fairly steady in recent years, with 117,000 such pairings in 2006, even with 1996 levels. [Just a heads up: the previous two links will open Excel files if you click on them.] If you consider marriages with non-Black husbands, the 2006 figure rises to 146,000. Not surprisingly, comparable statistics on Black husband-White wife couples are double those figures. However, new research from NiaPulse shows that despite our reputation for conservatism about interracial relationships, many Black women are looking to men of other races for companionship.

Here’s a sneak peek at the data: 46 percent of Black women we asked revealed that they have been involved in a relationship with someone of another race, whether it was casual dating, serious dating, or marriage. Fifty-six percent said they either would, or already have married someone outside of their race (it’s safe to say most of them were probably in the “would” category). The NiaPulse online survey of 670 African-American women was conducted in June 2008.
Intrigued? Check back with GGMS later this week and next for more results from this survey and perspectives on the topic.

–Sheryl Huggins Salomon

Meanwhile, are you surprised to hear that so many sisters are dating interracially, or have you seen the signs? Share your thoughts below.