Confidence for women takes courage that’s for sure. It requires courage in order to go against the prevailing “common sense”. Common sense, says that confidence is based on externals such as the degree you hold, your job title, your gender, race, religion, family social status, etc, etc.

This may be “common knowledge”, yet it is foolishness. It is not wise. Wisdom overrides convention, and thus, the need for courage to be able to open your mind – and heart – to be able to consider it and receive. Sometimes I need to be the “loving lioness”.

When I was insecure and lived in fear, I came from a place of self-rejection, criticism of self and others and essentially lived hiding behind a mask of “confidence” and over achievement. It was a mask because it did not feel authentically me.

I was so afraid of being hurt that I decide to control (what an illusion) instead of being controlled. While this decision did help me at the stage of consciousness that I was at, and in the world in which I found myself, it ultimately created chaos in my life and was leading to forms of self-sabotage.  It became destructive.

Change is a good thing, in that sometimes things need to be destroyed before they are rebuilt. Yet, if you use wisdom, you can head some of this type of destructive energy off at the pass. Why wait until your life falls apart from illness, divorce or unpleasant relationship drama with children or friends? Why wait until you get kicked out of that job you hate or your business falls apart?

This is the way the “common” mindset works. It hangs on for dear life, clinging to the status quo, fearing change. If you want quantum leap change, and if you want core confidence, coming from your true, Authentic self, you will have to take the leap, by faith with courage, using PRINCIPLES that are ancient, and lasting, in order to live your true potential.

You will have to learn how to eliminate what I call, “cataracts of the soul” so that you can see more clearly the Light within, so that you can love and embrace yourself and others. You can then see their Light also instead of attracting fear and judgment. While you can’t stop others from judging you, when you know who you are and surround yourself in the protection of light and love, their judgment can then roll off of you like “water off a duck’s back”.

That is their problem; again stop trying to control the world. Self-love is the magic key to empowerment. Ladies, when we love ourselves, we stop looking for love in all the wrong places. We can have boundaries without extremes. We can take off the armor on the one hand, and on the other, we can get up off the floor and stop being a doormat.

Self-love is about taking care of your own needs and then giving from the overflow of love. Here’s a video, my gift to you, please pass it on. Self-sacrifice and martyrdom is no way to live and is not the intention of Divine Love. Love is an exceedingly abundant energy; there’s plenty for all. What’s love got to do with confidence? I say everything. What do you say?

Valencia Ray, MD
The Confidence Doc

Confidence and empowerment is something near and dear to my heart, as I know the pain of self-rejection and the hazard of constantly striving to over achieve. It’s not productivity that is the problem; the issue is the mindset in which the goals are set and undertaken.

If we as women buy into the faulty thinking that our worth is based on what we do, what we look like and whom we are trying to please today, we will never have peace of mind, empowerment and personal power or authentic confidence.

The driven behavior that is going on in our society today is not even healthy masculine behavior. Truly healthy masculine energy (not male, -masculine- there is a difference) allows us to move forward into life and get things done. It creates a sense of independence, provision and protection.

Even as women we need to have a balance of these qualities in order to speak up, have courage to go through fear and to keep people out of our space when we need to. These qualities are not limited to males/men. The driven quality that most people attribute to men that we see is really the wounded ego. In fact, men need to live in more balance and tap into the feminine qualities of the Queen also, truth be told. The need to relax, feel and enjoy life is a human need for health and well-being.

The ego, our sense of human identity has its place and I believe that if you did not have one, you would not be able to self-identify yourself. Yes, you can be aware that you have an ego, yet are NOT the ego. You can be aware of yourself as a spiritual being, yet living the human experience via your “role” or as you call yourself, yet not get lost in the ego. This only comes via awareness and spiritual maturity which is a process unique to everyone.

It is not a one size fit all cookie-cutter process. Anyway, the ego wounded pushes and drives us as it gets lost in “survival of the fittest”, judgment, competition, all based in fear. Ego gone wild is fear at its worse. So, in earlier decades of my life, my ego, (I too was lost in it at one time), in its need to survive and get, (notice I said “get” not “receive”) affirmation and what I perceived then as love was always striving to prove that I was “good enough”.

Yet, funny thing was I never truly felt good enough or that I had enough of anything, be it time, energy or money. This is no way to live and accounts for all of the stress, fear and chaos that is going on in the world today, not to mention war, disease and greed. As women, it’s time to see through this nonsense and stop the madness in ourselves first, and then perhaps we can do what Dalai Lama said in regard to “the western woman saving the world”.

If we don’t save ourselves first, the attempt to play rescuer again is a waste of time and as dysfunctional as ever. If we don’t develop confidence from our CORE, it’s just fake, cosmetic. Living into the Queen is about self-love, self-acceptance, and recognizing the POWER of love and feelings. Our feelings are just a guidance system to reveal to us what we truly perceive; not what we give lip service to.

As human, women and men, we have allowed ourselves to be conditioned like Pavlov’s dog to repress our feelings and run away. When we learn to make friends with them, we then are able to be truly empowered and physically healthier as well. As we face our fears and release this repressed pain-body of emotion that dwells within us at a cellular and energetic level, we can heal.  Once we heal our wounded ego, these “cataracts of the soul” can fall away and we can let our Light shine and see others and ourselves more clearly.

We can then stop the self-judgment via these illusions, and stop the projection unto others that cause us to judge and compare everything from looks, to where one is educated, lives, etc, etc. The wounded ego loves hierarchy. The Queen is about feeling, flowing, nuturing and then taking inspired action. She uses the masculine qualities as needed in an integrated way, and she also can let go and delegate, without needing to control everything.

Then there is FUN. Now that’s a novel thought. Until we live in more balance and start enjoying life and relationships again – women AND men – we are destined to continue to see rising depression rates, illness and divorce. I went for an early bike ride this morning listening to Black Eye Peas “I Gotta Feeling…. Thank goodness I can feel again.

When I was living in fear and repressing my “bad” feelings, I could not really feel much of anything, including “good” feelings – except when I exploded! Repressing feelings are outright dangerous to your health. When we learn how to release them in a healthy, energetic, quantum way, we can heal our minds, bodies and hearts and start to consciously move into higher levels of spirituality and growth.

I’m about living “thy will be done on earth, as it is in heaven”. Confident women are genuinely self-assured without needing to prove their worth to others. We just know we are “ok” just because we breathe! Life is about growth and unfolding, not “fixing” yourself. Let’s keep it practical, lets have fun AND get things done.

Here is a video of “I Gotta Feeling…performed for Oprah in 2009 in Chicago. Joyful feeling is so powerful and inspiring. Your health, wealth and life depend on it. What do you think about the idea of living as the Queen instead of being driven by the opinions of others and the ego?

Valencia Ray, MD
The Confidence Doc

Money and career success in general impacts our relationships, our lifestyles and even our health. All around us the workplace and business landscape is shifting. Being a former eye surgeon, I know what it means to invest a lot of time and effort at learning a skill yet, nowadays, there is no profession that is immune from change.

Job transition and entrepreneurship rates are rising rapidly, and depending on your perspective, this can be a “good” or “bad” thing. One thing is for sure – if you want to successfully navigate our changing times with your physical and financial health intact, you will need to consider opening your mind and become aware of what FEAR is – Fictitious Evidence Affecting Reality.

I’m referring to psychological fear. When I wrote my book Empower Up and Play Big which introduces new cutting-edge brain science and practical ways to apply it into our everyday lives, it occurred to me that based on the way our brain works, if we are unaware of managing our attention, it is all to easy to create “stories” of fear of success of fear of failure.

These terms are tossed around loosely and often without much consideration as to what they really mean. From a practical point of view of learning how to “breakthrough fear”, I think it’s important to define what is the root issue in the first place. Fear of failure and success break down into the fear that there is a threat to either our sense of security, love or self-esteem.

If you are familiar with the chakra system of integrative health, you will understand that these are issues in the first three chakra levels, and even if you are not familiar you can still understand the point here, so stay with me. If these two fears are related to these three human needs, how do they play out? In essence “Fear of Failure or Success” show up in our lives as:

1. Fear of not having our security needs of survival met, not being supported

2. Fear of rejection and not being loved

3. Fear of not being good enough, worthy, or having lack of confidence; low self-image

Think about it this way. If we want to start a new business or change jobs, we tend to run our idea through filters like these:

• “HOW will I get paid, HOW will I make money” (Not if this is what I want to do in the first place – “security rules” – no trust in the Universe/Spirit to provide guidance)

• “What will they think of me”, “Will they be envious”, “Will they think I’m still one of them”, “Will they approve” (Fear of loss of love)

• “Who do I think I am”, “I can’t do this”, “I’m afraid I won’t do it and I’ll look bad”, “This can’t happen for me”, “No one in my family has ever done this” (self-image, self-esteem, self-confidence issues)

Of course it is a good idea to do your best to make sure that your food and shelter are covered, yet if you only focus on this, you cannot take risks. At the end of the day, there is no such thing as a “secure job” or “secure business”. I see in the media all the time people getting the rug pulled out from under them.

Plan ahead proactively if you know a job transition is on the horizon instead of putting your head in the sand. As far as others rejecting you, the best I can say here is, you can’t stop it so why worry about it? Once you learn the power of self-love and learn the power of a personal spiritual practice to expose the “stories” that keep you playing small, there will be less concern about rejection.

If you take any psychology classes, you are likely to run into “Pavlov’s Dog”. We humans are conditioned all the time, especially as children to give automatic responses based on conditioning and unfortunately, as children this conditioning, how we get our need for security, love and self-esteem is not met in a healthy way. We are trained to put ourselves down and to “look for love in all the wrong places”.

Well, the times in which we live is making it more and more difficult to live with this perception. As long as we buy into the illusion that feeling fear is to be avoided at all costs, and that we are to run and react whenever it pops up, we cannot live empowered, conscious lives. You can empower yourself by learning how to release this fear memory from your body and consciously redirecting your attention to rewire your brain more constructively.

Every time the fear of losing security, love or self-esteem shows up, if we are not aware of how our own brain and mind work, what energy is, and how we are acting out of the paradigm of old stories, we will not be able to build successful businesses, transition our careers powerfully, or maintain good health. Stress is a killer and is directly linked to psychological fear.

I have lived virtually all of the above fears listed. I can say for sure that as I’ve come to accept myself and continue to grow in the awareness of the power of letting go of the need to control and see my way clear, the Universe has “made a way out of no way” every time. Yes, I use logic to a degree, yet the main driving force is listening to my intuitional guidance and taking the inspired action needed instead of waiting for drama to push me along.

Growth and change are a part of life; the question is, are you willing to breakthrough fear, or are you going to wait until fear breaks you? What do you think?

Valencia Ray, MD

The Confidence Doc

Staying healthy is not just about going to the gym. This helps, no doubt, yet if you are only focusing on your physical body and ignoring the power of your mind, you are not being as effective if you could be. Why? Dis-Ease starts in the mental and emotional realm.

You are a whole person, spirit, mind, emotions and physical. We all to often get stuck only on what our eyes can see right in front of us. If what you are focusing on is pulling your energy downward, you are potentially setting yourself up for ill health.

According to a study supported by the NIH, “Social Rejection Linked to Inflammation” which can be viewed online at MedPage Today (Click Here) there are some serious diseases associated with fear of rejection. The list is nothing to sneeze at: asthma, cardiovascular disease, depression and arthritis are named in the article.

Now here is a conclusion to think about – worrying about what others think of you, or fear of rejection is hazardous to your health. Yet, it is only hazardous if “thinking makes it so”. What do I mean? Just because someone rejects you, does not mean it has to matter to you. In fact, if you don’t mind, it does not matter!

This is the power of your thoughts, emotion (perception) and feelings. The same “fact”, that someone rejects you does not have to stir up negative emotion as you realize that their perception of you is just that –their perception. The negative feelings you have is harming your physiology and contributing to sickness. Acquiring years on the planet is not what is causing the disease.

It is HOW we manage our energy, our power, over time is what is creating all the ill health. Staying healthy is about waking up to this important and empowering idea. You have the power of “response – ability” to choose not to respond negatively. Here is the key: YOU must believe that you are good enough. YOU must believe that while you have “strengths and weaknesses” that there is no judgment for where you are.

You are where you are and everyone is doing the best that they are aware to do at the time. We are all in process, at different stages of growth. The need to judge self and others is just another conditioned behavior, like Pavlov’s dog, that keeps us stuck and playing small. When you start to love and accept yourself, recognizing yes, that here are behaviors and habits that no longer serve you and that it is good to grow and change, then you can do so easier and without the dread of being rejected for stepping out of your box.

I learned, the hard way, that fearing the opinions of others is a needless form of suffering. There can be many reasons that we fear other’s opinions, and here are three:

1. It’s a part of our unconscious genetic wiring. Once upon a time, when we were wandering nomads, if the “tribe” rejected you, you could be a meal for the wild beasts and it would have been difficult to survive on your own.

2. As young children, we did not know any better. We were little people in the “land of the giants” and it did not feel good to be yelled at or called belittling names. Depending on our conclusions, we unwittingly wired into our brains the “story” about our self that connected our need for love to the need for approval. This is why self-love and acceptance can be so empowering. It allows you to free yourself from needing approval outside of your self to feel “ok”.

3. We have formed a belief that the opinions of others are more valid than our own. This is a common idea that keeps us weak until we correct it. While we can learn from constructive feedback from others, until we trust our own inner compass, we will be tossed to and fro by the waves of various opinions that are thrown our way from our neighbors to the media.

So you see, learning how to consciously operate your own brain and mind and being aware of how perception is formed is more than just for “personal growth” and confidence. It is also about staying healthy! The better you feel about yourself, “warts” and all, the less susceptible you are to the fear of rejection which is only a “story” in the first place.

So what if they “laugh at you”. When you can see it for what it is, often on a need for those who are laughing to control you or to try to feel better about themselves (or maybe they just thought it was funny? Does it really matter?) – then you can let it roll of like “water off a duck’s back”. This is what true empowerment is about.

Loving self and others with compassion, and being able to live from your authentic core is a key to staying healthy and whole. What do you think about the connection between mind/body and health?

Valencia Ray MD

The Confidence Doc

Self-image is one of those words that if you pay attention, stirs up a lot of discomfort for most women. When I talk about “low self-image”, it stirs up avoidance for many because it is one of those words that unconsciously triggers embarrassment because of the stories we connect to admitting it.

This can actually be a trap, because since we are so conditioned to reject ourselves, especially women, if we refuse to look at our feelings honestly we will never be able to release the stories about our self-image that are holding us back.

They are only stories, as there is really nothing “wrong” with you. What you think and what you do, is not the same as WHO you ARE. At our core, our Authentic Self is “powerful beyond measure”. Unfortunately, if we don’t peel away the “cataracts of the soul” as I like to call them, these stories, we will stay blinded to our true potential and we will tend to continue to believe that we can’t be as successful as we could be.

I am now free of the identity story that “something is wrong with me” or that I am not “good enough”. I suffered through life unnecessarily believing this for most of my adult life. Now that I’m free of it, it is much easier for me to change, take risks and have the confidence to throw off the opinions of others – just think about it a moment.

As women, we are bombarded with comparison of ourselves to other’s standard very early in our childhood and it only gets worse as adults. The media is constantly telling you to change something about yourself and it profits greatly off of our insecurities. Men of course, are not conditioned in these ways to reject themselves.

Just notice the ratio of the references to the image or self-esteem of men compared to women as it relates to the need to “improve” something and you will see implied deficiencies in women far, far exceed those made for men. What is self-image and why does it matter in business? We cannot rise above our self-image and stay there in peace.

Self-image is just that; it’s the way you see yourself. In the days that I had inner turmoil around worth, being enough etc, though I used a lot of will power and determination to achieve my goals, I tended toward self-sabotage or stress in attempting to maintain my station. If you are not obsessed like I was with proving I was good enough, chances are, you will not be able to overcome your inner self-image in the first place.

I find that what defines self-image is so often misunderstood, and there seems to be outright ignorance around why it is so important to life success.

Here are a few facts and myths about self-image that can be related to business success. The facts about low self-image are:

1. Contributes big time to worry about what others think and say about you
2. A MAJOR contributor to stress, and this has been studied in science
3. The reason why many, many women do not speak their truth or speak up
4. A cause of poor or dysfunctional relationships, fear of networking
5. A contributing factor in fear of risk taking or expanding business growth

Here are some myths about self-image:

1. Physically beautiful women always have high self-image
2. Intellectually advanced women by default have healthy self-image
3. Having lots of education and degrees eliminates self-image issues
4. All wealthy women/people have high self-image
5. Arrogant people have a high self-image or they would not be arrogant and rude (this is one of the biggest myths going on out there – just the opposite is true)

This list is not complete. There are other facts and myths as well. The point I am making is that until you understand what the symptoms of low self-image are, you will be inclined to think that “it’s just the way I am or the way life is”.

Life is a mirror to what you believe at a subconscious level and until you recognize this, you may continue to live in unnecessary struggle and emotional pain. Awareness is power. I know from experience that most of the myths are false, as I lived them. My self-image was so low I could not even fake arrogance.

I had an “I am not good enough” complex that was generally pretty obvious if I even dared to let you get close enough to figure it out. Truth really does set one free, free from the nonsensical stories that we believe to be true, yet are only one way of seeing life. If you believe it then it’s true for you. I believe what I believe – until I change my mind.

You have the ability and the right to change your mind. This is the ONLY way you will grow and expand. Whatever you have in your life is there by right of your consciousness, your awareness. Want more abundance and peace in your life? Be it unto you, as you truly believe.

We will become more successful as women entrepreneurs when we get to the heart of the matter and let go of the myths and deal with, without judgment the facts that we see before us in our lives. And here is the good news. You already have “got the Power”. You’ve just been looking for it in all the wrong places – hint: look within you. What do you think?

Valencia Ray, MD

The Confidence Doc

Career and business is the vehicle by which money flows into our life for the majority of people. You can find people who work 80-hour weeks, two jobs and may even beg, borrow or steal to get it. Here’s the essential question; does money make you do it?

It’s like the old Flip Wilson comedian who use to say “The devil made me do it” (by the way, devil is “lived” spelled backwards which is the way we often think about money in the first place). Money is often at the root of marital problems, particularly when there’s a shortage of it, social status, quality of healthcare and lifestyle.

People are blatantly in a love-hate relationship with it and to the degree that you are unaware of your unconscious beliefs about money; you can sabotage your business and relationships success as well as run your health into the ground. The idea that money is “bad” is one reason why many women entrepreneurs struggle with achieving the level of business success they desire, yet they really want to have more money to provide for their families and yes, go shopping without getting into debt. Why is this? How did money get blamed for what we choose to do with it?

Notice the keyword here: choice. The catch is, to the degree that you are aware or not is the degree to which you can manage money in a healthy, abundant manner. Money cannot tell you what to do with it, and it cannot “make” you do anything. The issue is that we project our values and beliefs onto it and then use it accordingly. If we believe we are “good people” and money is “bad”, then we will tend to either struggle to attract it, or lose it almost as fast as we receive it.

If we think we are unworthy and that only “lucky” or “good people” have abundance, then we again, will manage to keep money out of our lives. Then there are the “but what will they think about me if I have it” stories. These are linked to our perceptions that others will reject us if we have more than they do. What about power? We are taught that money is power, yet those who secretly feel internally insecure are often the most likely to hide behind their money or strive to maintain “power over” others with their money.

So, money makes them do this, right? I say “wrong”.

Money is energy and it is a tell-tell indicator of the consciousness of the person controlling it. It is actually a type of teacher in that it shows you what you unconsciously believe about your personal power, worth and ability to interact with others in integrity. It’s energy in that it solves or creates problems, again based on the mission it was sent on.

And what I have experienced is, the healthier my self-image became and the more I actually dealt with my unconscious limiting beliefs about money, the more generous I became and the more money I have. Money is only one aspect of living the abundant, whole life. It makes life easier when you have a consciousness based in gratitude, spirit and the awareness of the unity of life.

We can do great things or destructive things, we can provide employment or we can go out of business – all based on how we perceive money. An abundant whole life is going to be contingent on having the energy, the money, to cover whatever the outflow or expenses are. How much is enough? When you are coming from a place of love and abundance, you are far less likely to fall to greed and you can recognize that there is more than enough to meet your heart’s desire.

The Mirror of Life will reflect to you your hidden money relationship. Money is the bystander that is standing on ready to reveal to you where you need to expand the vision for your life – if you would only be willing to perceive it! What do you think?

Valencia Ray, MD

The Confidence Doc

Career transition has money and career on many women’s minds lately. Since many women are sensing the change in the air, I’ve heard several comments about using this time of workplace instability to “find your bliss”.

What I’ve noticed is that often it is believed that if you “just do what you love”, you will be successful and your hobby will morph into a business that can take the place of your job. It would be nice if all we had to do were “build it and they will come”.

Nowadays, this is not even the case and what is really not likely to happen is that you will suddenly find yourself with a thriving business by simply following your bliss. No, what you are going to have to do is have a vision and a plan in place to put structure to your bliss so that it can take form in the marketplace.

This I know for sure, as I currently am following my bliss and I’ve had to take lots of action to turn it into a business. When I was a practicing physician opening a brick and mortar office it was obvious. Starting an online business or building a speaking or coaching business is no different in that you still have to know where you want to go and put structure around your ideas to bring it into manifestation.

If you do not, your bliss is going to stay a hobby. It is easy for people to get confused when they hear already successful people say things like “don’t worry about the money, just do your bliss” and assume that the well known successful one just became that way by showing up. If it were that simple everyone would just follow their bliss and watch the employees, programs, education and training and all other support just show up.

While I would not suggest you ever “worry” about money, (it’s a great way to stay broke or stress out trying to get and hang on to it – worry is a form of lack consciousness), the truth is, you are going to have to take action and do some planning. So, what are some things you need to consider as you consider leaving that job you hate or if you have been laid off?

Here are some things I did as I decided to continue to grow and move on to my next career adventure:

1. I became clear about the next step of my life purpose and began to keep my eyes and ears open for guidance. When the perfect opportunity arose, I leaped at it. If you find yourself pushed out of your job box, you may not have this option.

2. In either case, once you are launched into the unknown, begin to get as clear as you can about the overall end result of your vision. Don’t concern yourself with the “how to” and stay flexible. The vision is just to give you a target to focus your brain/mind on. A foggy vision makes for fear and panic as your fear center is bound to become involved in self-sabotaging you.

3. In my case, I knew nothing about the web, speaking or coaching business and I had much to learn. I did not even know what a blog was. I always have had an overall vision, so as I stay present, listen and learn, the next step continues to show up. For example, I found the perfect coaching program and while I was in training, I dove in and started learning about the web. Over that year I became quite proficient. If you don’t have the resources financially to support you, consider alternatives of course. This is why having a clear vision is so important out the gate because if you don’t, you are bound to be side-tracked by fear and the tendency to fall back into looking for the old standby – no matter how much you hated what you did at work.

These are just general starting suggestion, yet the key here is you must gain CLARITY. If you cannot articulate your business plan, you are in trouble. If you have no model for how to earn income, your bliss will never be more than a hobby.

Also, beware if you think that thinking about money and bliss cannot go together. This is an indication of an unconscious money sabotaging limiting belief. Money is neutral and is the system we all use to exchange energy and time. If you are not putting it in the equation, the chances of your bliss providing a means for you to live on is dead out the gate. You may as well resign yourself to having a hobby and go look for another job.

I love what I do and yes, and I could do it for free for those who I’m meant to serve but had no visible resources. However, since I don’t happen to have multiple millions sitting in a drawer somewhere, I need to create wealth as I follow my bliss. True, I may choose to occasionally provide free service, yet I do not believe the Universe intends for me to be financially barren in my service to others. This idea that spirit/purpose and money doesn’t mix gives the Universe a bum rap.

If I want to expand my services to serve many people and support other organizations that align with my purpose, I had better have a business and vision that will allow for this. “Follow your bliss” is a catchy idea, and having a clear vision and taking inspired action is the reality of the human experience manifestation process. What do you think?

Valencia Ray, MD

The Confidence Doc

Confidence is a key element to empowerment. If you can’t speak up, take risks or all too often buckle under the opinions of others, your gifts and talents will likely never reach authentic expression. Let me say that confidence from the core, authentic self is what I am referring to.

Not the “fake it ’till you make it” to whatever status you believe holds the magical key to empowerment. I’m referring to knowing that you know that the “real you” is already ok, just because you breathe. The starting point from this place is assuming that you are not broken, just in evolution, like the plant in the garden that is in the process of unfolding to its true beauty and potential.

We as a society tend to come from a mindset of lack and deficiency – the old paradigm of selfishness and “survival of the fittest”. This is just one way of seeing life; it is not the only way. We live in a world of infinite potential, and what determines how you experience “reality” is based on your perceptual system. How you wire your brain and nervous system really matters.

And get this; what runs your life is generally the 90% that is out of your awareness and comes from the unconscious part of your mind. So, why is self-love so important and why is it not ok to beat yourself up and put yourself down? Aren’t we taught that this is “humble”? Isn’t it “pride” to think good of yourself? Isn’t it “narcissistic”?

Narcissism stems from fear and is often rooted in insecurity. When you come from core confidence, you know that there is no need to compare yourself and judge worth and value between people. Yes, we vary in the expression of our gifts and talents, yet at our essence, the “founders” of our country had it correct when they said, “all men (and women) are created equal”.

When you come to know this Authentic Self, the essence of your very life force, you can begin to separate yourself from the “stories” of who you think you are that keep you stuck and playing small. These stories that you’ve wired into your mind and nervous system can be re-written when you are ready to accept the challenge. And it is much simpler than you may think.

In the meantime, rejecting yourself will only keep you stuck. Why or how does this work? Here are 3 reasons why self-love is not narcissism and why you want to convert to self-love and stop putting yourself down.

1. Narcissism by definition is rooted in fear and judgment. It is seeking hierarchy and “power over” others based on comparison and disrespect. When we come from “I am better than you” or “my needs are most important – period”, we are coming from lack. Often, low self-esteem and self-absorption based on this is the cause of narcissism.

2. Self-love stems from awareness of the Divine spirit that is within you and the source of life itself. It has to do with respect for self and all of life and just acknowledges the gift of life that you are. It is compassionate and says, “I’m growing” and I can see the abundance in light in life, instead of coming from a place of fear and lack. It is giving our self space to grow and expand without shame and guilt – which are the two “terrorizing twins” that keep us playing small and losing in life. Love grows and expands us; fear constricts.

3. One cannot rise above and stay above their self-image. Your brain seeks to make you “right” in the way that you really “see” yourself (self-image). When I lived in self-rejection, I used sheer will power to push my way to my goals in the hopes of finding abundance and peace. What I realized is that self-sabotage, in its many forms (even Tiger had to learn this one), will kick in if you do not deal with the “blind spots” that distort your self-image in a proactive way. Also, be informed that negative self-talk has been shown to provoke the stress response in your body and stress accounts for up to 90% of primary care doctor visits. Your subconscious mind is going to show you via the Mirror of Life what you REALLY believe about yourself and life.

In this time of change there is also great opportunity for growth. The more you embrace who you are, with love and compassion, the more likely you are to be kind and accepting of others. This is a winning formula for success as when you feel deserving of success, you can stop all of the procrastination and confusion around your business success, relationships and you are even likely to stay healthier and have more life energy.

Core confidence can only come from the inside out when you make the time to consider – and love – who you really are. What do you think?

Valencia Ray, MD
The Confidence Doc

Happiness and peace of mind seems to be on many people’s minds. After all, happiness and peace of mind are two elements that make for a life well lived. The challenge though is being clear enough to stay focused on principles that allow us to avoid getting pulled into the trap of “common knowledge”.

Common knowledge is often simply hand-me-down opinions that have been accepted as “just the way life is”. There is not a way life is that is universally true. What determines how you see life is the filter that you see the facts around you through, known as perception.

Perception is the lens we interpret through and if your brain has been unwittingly wired, particularly at a young age, to see life as threatening, this viewpoint will color the way that you see the world.

I’ve come to call these filters that keep us from connecting with our Authentic Self, sense of power, wisdom and peace of mind as “cataracts of the soul”. We all have many gifts and talents that are unique and would make a positive difference in the world.

Yet, once we develop perceptions about the world around us, our brain and nervous system keep us focused on the people, places and circumstances to keep our established perceptual systems in place. This is often the reason why change is challenging and why we stay stuck. It is difficult to have happiness, health, wealth and great relationships when your filter says, age brings disease, money is hard to get and people cannot be trusted.

The answer is to re-educate yourself while at the same time learning systems and processes that allow you to release the old perceptual memory from your nervous system/body. You can then learn how to more easily rewire and retrain your brain.

A practical example of how this plays out in your life can be seen from an article I read today about an “Aha” moment that Jada Pinkett Smith had. In the article you will note that she says that she micromanaged everything because:

“I grew up in a neighborhood in Baltimore that was like a war zone, so I never learned to trust that there were people who could help me. I was also stuck in the idea that taking care of others was the way to create good relationships. As a result, I tried to micromanage my world”.

Notice her response is based in fear. The nervous system does not judge, so whatever you feel from an emotional and intellectual level will dictate the quality of experience you have. If your perception about a given set of circumstances feels threatening to you, you will automatically, like a robot, revert to your old habitual perceptual pattern.

I totally relate to what she says here as I too once had this challenge. I’ve come a very long way, yet it is an evolving process. What has helped me the most is to realize that my brain is creating these “cataracts of the soul” and with awareness, they can be eliminated. Yes, your True Self is powerful and amazing, yet the fact is, you will not express if your nervous system is wired to cover over and hold back the expression of this Essence, the Real You.

It takes awareness because 90% of what runs our life is unconscious. This is why I re-educate my clients on the new science of the brain and nervous system, as it helps the fear center in the brain to quiet down enough to open the door to new understanding. It is also very important to understand how to release these “blind spots” at a cellular level where they are held. They keep us from shining our light, and dull our life. They also keep us focused on fear and what is wrong with the world and cause us to miss opportunities to grow our businesses, relationships and maintain our good health.

Since I’ve learned how to do this, it has become much easier to flow with life and to expand the vision for my life. I am no longer looking through the cloudy lens of fear and childhood experiences that color my world darkly. This is why I called my coaching system, “Breakthrough to the Real You” as it shows people how to eliminate these self-limiting perceptions simply and also retrain our brains to support us to actually live our purpose and desired outcomes.

We can release the stories that keep us playing on a constricted stage of life and learn to choose our destiny instead of staying stuck and missing out on what could have been if we only could see life clear enough to avoid falling into the ditches of “common knowledge”. What are your thoughts?

Valencia Ray, MD

The Confidence Doc

Being a woman entrepreneur and professional myself has given me a genuine hands on perspective of what it means to succeed in business and yet stay at the top of my game with my professional skills.

In my case, I was a practicing eye surgeon who right out of fellowship training took a corporate job for a couple of years, just long enough to get my practice up and running. After over two decades of owning and operating my practice (I had also acquired my mentor’s large practice when he retired), I sold it to do what I am doing now.

I help women entrepreneurs and professionals eliminate the blind spots that limit their self-image and constrict their vision for business success and it should be noted that the two are definitely linked.

In fact, how we see ourselves also constricts our relationships, including our ability to network effectively, how we dress, the opportunities and risks we are willing to expose ourselves to and even impacts our overall health in a huge way. I just came across an article in the small business section of the Wall Street Journal dated Monday, May 17, 2010 on “What’s Holding Back Women Entrepreneurs?” and I would recommend it for sure. Here are two highlights that the author, Sharon G. Hadary, sited as being the answer to this question and I quote:

1. First, you have women’s own self-limiting views of themselves, their businesses and the opportunities available to them.

2. But equally problematic are the stereotypes, perceptions and expectations of business and government leaders.

Now here’s what I know from my own personal experience; number one is more powerful than number two. When you deal with number one, you are far better equipped to deal with negativity from others.

From my own life, I had many challenges from number two right down to being told to my face that I would not be able to get through college short of five years (well, I did it in three with honors), and that I would never be able to get into medical school as it was too competitive (my performance was stellar enough to have medical schools pursue me to apply).

Then when it came time to start my business, I was told by the “authorities” all of the horrible statistics about failure, blah, blah, blah. My conclusion?

While you had better prepare yourself, the most important element is how you see yourself as if you have the epidemic belief that you are “not good enough” or that you are unworthy, or that women can only do “so much”, you will hold yourself back out the gate. If you do have strong will power like I had in those days, you can push through but later you will feel like “a fraud” (this is so common) when you become successful and start to self-sabotage.

To summarize, I made a commitment years ago to start breaking through these self-limiting stories and I have come much closer and continue to unfold the “real me”. It is about using the powerful, practical information from neuroscience which addresses your human brain and nervous system and combining it with intuitive and spiritual aspects of yourself to breakthrough the fear that we as women are conditioned to believe about ourselves and our lives.

I have learned tools and processes that I use on myself and teach my clients that literally can cause a quantum shift in perception that allows for a new vision for business success, happier relationships and good health and to create these shifts fast – and they last as they come from the inside out.

With new eyes, you can see new opportunities and with a healthy self-image, you are able to act from your authentic self without the fear of the opinions of others or fear of failure. Developing your business alongside of letting go of those internal voices that hold you back goes a very long way toward lasting business success and living the life that is well lived, the one you know that you are really meant to live.

Have you noticed that having the marketing or business plan information and being able to take action and get results are two different things? Have you wondered what makes that difference?  What do you think?

Valencia Ray, MD

The Confidence Doc